Depression

As Christmas approaches, my first one in 20 years as non-LDS, I have been feeling extremely depressed. Not sure where its coming from. But some days I wish I were no longer on this Earth. Not sure if its related to my loss if faith that I experienced this year. At least when I was LDS I had a purpose. Now without that purpose or goal I feel lost and confused. I wonder if going to a church will give me that focus and purpose. Not sure. I don't know if I want to go to church. My son went to church ( a pentecostal church I think) this morning with a school friend and liked it (they had Xbox there) and my wife thinks its a good idea to go to church. But I'm torn. But I have been really depressed and don't know what to do about it.
Take care
J.T.

Not Much To Report

Hey, I say to everyone who's reading my captivating blog on my exit from the LDS church: WELCOME! That being said, I've not much to report, not much has happened since my family got our resignation confirmation letters. I received mine in August and my wife and son got their's in September. We ran into a member of our ward at the grocery store about a month ago and she has left with her family, her husband, son, and her mother. She keeps in contact with a few of the members and there are a few more people who are thinking of leaving the church, which is great news. Others are finally seeing the light. Other than that, not much to report. I have been using the Postmormon.org website a lot to keep in the loop of things that have been happening but I think I have to leave it alone for a while. It has been great support to me and has been very helpful in giving me information about what the church's history is really about, not the whitewashed version that we were taught for so many years. I'm feeling good about my decicion to leave, though. All I know is it will take a long time to get over what I've been through. There's an expression that a lot of postmormon's use: "You can leave the church but you can't leave it alone". That's kind of where I am now. Hopefully soon I can leave it alone once and for all. Take care, J.T.

Why I Left

I am free. After almost 19 years I am no longer a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I got my official letter from church headquarters in Salt Lake City a few weeks ago. This realization comes with mixed emotions. On one hand I am happy that I am no longer a member of the church, but I'm also sad as I have a lot of fond memories of the church and its members, and have had many wonderful experiences over the last 19 years. I think the church has changed my life. How can it not when I was was so wrapped up in it for so many years. And when I say "wrapped up" in it, I was completely entrenched. Totally immersed. In the doctrine and in the mindset of the religion. I "towed the party line" for many years. How I was able to break free is a miracle in itself. But in the end it was the church's own flawed logic that led me to leave it. Basically, though, it is a cult. I am positive of that now. Every day I am more and more convinced of that. Looking back over my church life there were so many clues that are clear in hindsight that the church is a cult. Now, I'm no expert on cults, and I'm not qualified to argue the point, but there are certain characteristics of the church that led me to believe it is a cult. Probably the biggest thing for me was the church's insistence on conformity and it manipulation of members to get a desired result. They were ever so subtle but we were made to feel guilty when we weren't doing all we were supposed to do. And it was a lot of things we were supposed to do. As well, we were always reminded how important tithing was. The problem with tithing was that it was practically manditory if you wanted to get anywhere in the church. By "get anywhere" I mean that we were to continually "progress in the gospel", meaning that we were always striving to do better. Now, that in itself is not a bad thing, it's good if we're improving our lives, but in the church we were obsessive about it. We were made to feel guilty if we slipped up and committed a small sin. We were commanded to be perfect. Looking back, the church's obsessive focus on the temple always mystified me. I had been to the temple many times but frankly didn't get much out of it except it was a lot of information to take in and was a little confusing. We were told that the temple was very important to our eternal progression and we had to go back time and time again. It was to become less and less confusing the more you went. Of course, to be worthy to go to the temple you had to pay tithing, or a tenth of your total income to the church. Among other things, of course and I admit I wasn't a faithful tithe payer while in the church, but I was faithful enough at the right time to get a temple recommend. Paying tithing was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It never brought the promised blessings but I did it, not all the time but I did it. And it was a sacrifice. Back in 1993 when I joined the church I was a different person. I was single and almost 30. I had a low paying job and no prospects of a better one. I was just going to continue on the way I was. I was very unimportant in the eyes of the world or so I felt at the time. But then on November 24, 1993, two missionaries from the church came over to my apartment and started teaching me the (supposed) gospel. My eyes were opened. What they were teaching made sense. What they were teaching was what I needed or thought I needed to hear at the time. It all sounded very logical. It's just too bad it took me almost 19 years to realize what they were teaching was based on a lie. On many lies. On many many lies. The whole foundation of the church is based on lies and deceptions. But back in 1993 I had no idea that this was the case. The church made me feel important. That I mattered. It gave me self confidence. I was standing up in front of people giving talks, I was participating in meetings and giving input. I was learning a lot about the church and felt part of a community. I felt good. I felt special. I was part of something wonderful and big. And important. My self esteem skyrocketed. I had never felt like this before in my whole life. I went along like this for a few years. I went to the temple for my own endowment on July 4, 1995, a year and a half into the church. (I would have gone sooner, but I wasn't a full tithe payer and had to wait until I was--as mentioned above--before I could receive the Melchizedek Priesthood). I started to wear the garments and now I felt even more special and important. I was an "elder" in the Mormon church. I was a Priesthood holder. I could bless people. I could hold important callings in the ward. I served in Primary for a year, was an assistant scout leader for a bit and secretary in Young Men's and then in the Elder's Quorum. I was everntually called as Second Counsellor in the EQ presidency, then first counsellor under a new EQ President. I was on my way. It was around this time that I met my wife. She was a member in another ward in our stake. We were married 8 months after we met (I was 32 she was in her early 20's) and sealed in the Toronto Temple. This was August 1997. We were both active in the ward and continued to hold callings and attend church regularly. I lost my job soon after we were married, but it was not a good job(as noted above) so I wasn't that disappointed. I went back to school for 10 months and got a diploma in computers and accounting (missed graduating top of my class by half a percentage point, but I digress...). We decided to move to another city after I graduated (as my job no longer held me to this city) so we moved back to where my wife's parents lived(and where she had lived and had been a member of the ward). To make a long story short, it was a great move for us, but bad for my church life. Even though I remained a member twice as long in this new ward as I had been in my first ward (13 years in the new ward compared to 5 1/2 in my original ward) I never felt as accepted and as a part of this new ward. But I tried. Very hard to make it work. To feel connected to the other members. Sure we made friends and knew a lot of people and a lot of people liked us, but there was always a disconnect. It's like if we didn't go to church for a few weeks no one really noticed. This bothered me a lot at the time and still does, but what could I do. We would attend ward functions but it was like we were part of the woodwork. Non member family would remark about this coldness of the ward members and the cliquishness (is that a word?) they seemed to have when attending church functions with us (blessing of my son in 2002, his baptism 8 years later in 2010). I brushed it off as just the specific combination of people in the ward, who looked inward instead of outward. We did go inactive for a few years in that 13 year span. From early 2004 to late 2006 we were less active. No one from the church really bothered us during the first few years. No home teachers called. The bishop never called (well, he did once at the beginning but gave up on us too quickly, in my opinion). During this time we attended another church (United Church) and I joined the choir. It was nice and I enjoyed singing in the choir, but it felt empty. The people were nice and we liked the minister, but there was no meat. We were so used to having doctrine rammed down our throats and being busy with callings, that this felt like we were on a spiritual diet. We only attended about a year then stopped going. Like with everything new, the novelty wore off. In 2006 a new EQ president was called in the ward as the ward had recently split into 2 wards. He had recently moved into the ward with his family. He didn't know us or our history. He decided he would become our new home teacher and started visiting us. He didn't push the church on us, just came by to see how we were doing. Something stirred in me then. I realized how much I missed the church. Here was someone who seemed to care about us. I wanted to go back to church. I had gone through my rebellious period and it was out of my system. But could I go back after everything that had happened in the past? The reason we stopped going before was we felt we were lost in the shuffle. But now the ward had split and it was half the size it was before. Maybe we wouldn't be hidden anymore. Finally, we asked if the missionaries could come and visit us. It took about 3 weeks for them to come and I was having second thoughts, but the missionaries were wonderful. Those old feelings returned and I started going back, in November 2006. It was hard at first but became easier over time. The new EQ president called me as an EQ instructor in March 2007. I thought this was great as it would help me regain a lot of the knowledge that I lost in my less active years. And it did. I slowly started to do the ward activities. In 2010 my son turned 8 and decided to be baptized. We were happy that he wanted to be baptized and met with the bishop to get the ball rolling. I baptized him on March 14, 2010. My wife and I got our temple recommends back in August 2010. It looked like we were on the road to full activity and participation in the ward. But after a (long) while I realized nothing had really changed. I tried so hard to make it work. I was called as assistant ward clerk in early 2011. This was the calling I had when I went inactive 7 years previously. I questioned for an instant the wisdom of this calling, but chalked it up to "it was where the Lord needed me to be". I didnt' do very much in the calling, just take notes in meetings occasionally. It wasn't too demanding and I was still teaching in EQ twice a month. I sat down with my bishop in late 2011 to talk about how I was doing. I told him I was tired of being wishy-washy in regards to the gospel and was ready for a new challenge, He and I agreed that I needed something to kick start me and move to this new level in the church. What I thought at the time was a wonderful idea, ultimately proved to be my final downfall. I was called as Ward Executive Secretary in January 2012. I was happy about this calling as I felt like I had finally arrived. This was probably one of the most important callings I'd had in the ward and was confident I could magnify it and I could prove to everyone that I was in this for the long haul. But it wasn't. By March I was having serious doubts about the church. I don't know where they came from but I remember sitting in Bishopric Meeting, taking notes one Sunday and having the overwhelming feeling that I did not want to be there. I don't know what it was, I just felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. I left after the meeting (it was held in the morning before Sacrament) and went home. I just had to leave. I never went back. By April I had to do something. I couldn't go on like this. I prayed that Heavenly Father would tell me what to do. Should I go back to church? No answer. No prodding that I should go back, it was where I needed to be. I was mystified. Surely the right answer was to go back. But I felt nothing. I never did go back. It wasn't anyone's fault and I don't blame anyone but myself, but the past 6 months have been a very emotional time for me with regards to the LDS church. I came to the conclusion that the church was not true, that it was not the church that Jesus Christ had set up when he was on the earth, restored in the latter days as the LDS church claims. I learned the true nature of Joseph Smith and realized that Book Of Mormon was a fraud. I had to leave the church. I could no longer be a member of a church that lied to it's members and deceived them. Now, after months of reflection and thought, listed below are the main reasons I left the church. 1. Joseph Smith was most certainly not a prophet of God. He did not see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the sacred grove near Palmyra, New York as is claimed in the official church history. I was taught that he did see HF and JC but in reality he didn't even write about the First Vision until well after the church was established. There are also multiple versions of his story. So, why wouldn't he write about such a fantastical event? He was told by HF in this "vision" not to join any of the churches of the day as they were "all wrong". There is evidence that he joined the Methodist Church in 1828. Now, if God tells you in person not to join any other church, would you? Joseph Smith apparently changed the details of the First Vision over the years. In one version he saw angels, then a combination of HF and JC. And another thing about Joseph Smith. Why did so many people hate him in those early days. I could see some people, namely ministers of other churches getting their hackles up about this new "religion" that may have been stealing members from their ranks, but he was hated and reviled. The church puts the explanation on the fact that all of God's servants are persecuted. Look what happened to Jesus Christ when he was alive. He was hated and persecuted. But that was 2000 years ago. I don't think you can compare Joseph Smith to Jesus Christ. Here's what I think: Joseph Smith was a sly con man. He had charisma for sure, he could talk to people and convince them he was a prophet. He had many people under his influence and was a very good maniuplator. He was also a polygamist. There is evidence he married around 33 women in his lifetime, one as young as 14. He married women who were married to other men concurrently. This is called polyandry. I was not aware of this. The church manuals do not teach this. Polygamy existed in the church but not until the 1840's. There is evidence Joseph Smith married other women besides his first wife Emma, as early as 1834. He was convicted in the mid 1820's of "money digging" which meant he would charge people money then tell them where treasure was hidden. He would look into a hat with a stone and "see" where this treasure was hidden. He lied about the translation of the B of M. In the church manuals it states he sat on one side of the table with the gold plates and would dictate through a curtain to his scribe, but actually he would sit on a chair with his head in a hat with a stone inside and "see" the writings thru the stone (as in his money digging scheme) and would dictate them to his scribe. Now,to the Book Of Abraham. I never paid much attention to the Book Of Abraham in the Pearl Of Great Price, but now I come to find out that Joseph Smith's translation is totally false. The B of A was not the writings of Abraham but some funeral documents from Ancient Egypt. He totally made up the writings, just like the B of M. Just more evidence that he was a con man and not a "prophet". There are many other stories about Joseph Smith, but suffice it to say he was a con man who has purpetrated one of the biggest hoaxes in history. Which leads to #2 on my list: The book of Mormon is not holy scripture but a made up story. I always had my doubts about the book, though I would never acknowledge these doubts. The story of the lost 116 manuscript pages never made sense to me. Neither did the events in the book related to the societies that were written about and how quickly they grew and how quickly they changed from righteous to unrighteous. Add the fact that there is absolutely NO archaeological evidence of the B of M civilizations on the American Continent. Surely civilizations as large as the B of M claim would leave behind some evidence. But there is nothing. Also there are translation errors that have been discovered in the bible that are still there in the B of M. There are many beautiful passages in the BofM, but they are fiction. The whole book is a product of 19th century fiction. 3.The lack of evidence that today's prophet is actually a prophet.This always mystified me as well. Why does the current president of the church not give revelation about important things? Surely there are things in the world today that we need warning about, but we get vague speeches about generalizations (stay out of debt, get an education) these things are common sense, I think. Why didn't President Hinckley in the mid 80's realize that a forger and con man were conning the church over forged documents. Surely the "prophet" would discern a con man? And if the Word of Wisdom is so inspired, why didn't it include instructions to boil water in the early days of the church in Nauvoo when many people were dying of infection. Why doesn't the WofW have any warnings about high sugar content in food. Certainly this is more damaging to people's health today than "coffee, tea and alcohol". These are the 3 main reasons I left the church. Basically I was lied to about its early history. Joseph Smith was not a prophet but a con man and the Book Of Mormon is a made up fairy tale. In my opinion, if these 2 things are false then the church is false. And that's all I have to say for now...

Exit Date Confirmation

Great news! Got an email last night from the bishop of our ward. He confirmed that our names will be off the church records before August 18. I'm very happy about this development. Finally I can put the church behind me and move on with my life. I was reading on the PostMormon site comments that other Post-Mo's had made and one person related how they were embarrased by having been a member. They were embarrased that their families and friends knew they were a member and that they had been gullible to believe in the church. That's how I feel. I'm embarrased that I was a member of the LDS church and that I was so gullible for so many years. One thing I'm thankful for is that I didn't bring anyone else into the church. (Well, except my son). I tried with some friends years ago but they weren't interested. I was mystified by this at the time but now I realize that some people can see through the facade right away. Others like me were sucked into it and before long the hooks were in me and it was hard to shake myself loose. It took over 18 years for the hook to become loosened. But thankfully it did and I only wasted 18 years instead of 50 years or more of my life believing a set of lies and false doctrine. Now I can move on. The end is in sight... take care, J.T.

Playing The Waiting Game

So we're just waiting to get confirmation that our names have been removed from the membership records of the LDS church. I had a feeling it wouldn't be a quick process. And really there is no rush. I am no longer a member in spirit and haven't been for weeks now. I'm not going to be impatient about it either, there's no use in getting stressed about it. It will happen when it happens and then I can finally put the LDS church behind me and move on. I don't really know what will happen in the near future. I'm not in a hurry to join another church. I'm going to enjoy my Sunday's off for a while. Maybe someday I'll feel the need or have the desire to look into attending another church, but in reality I don't really think I will ever want to commit to another church or religion again. I may have mentioned this before but my experience with the LDS church has completely destroyed my concept of God and the role of religion in my life. The LDS teachings were so ingrained into me and were a part of my life for so long, that to find out that they are not true or accurate, has left me destitute of any concept of what is "right" or "wrong" as it pertains to God and religion and our purpose here on Earth. (I still know what is "right" or "wrong" as it pertains to the law or morality).I know that in time I will "get over" the church and it might be a long time or it might be only a few weeks, I don't know. But once I get confirmation that I am no longer a member of the LDS church it will be one step closer to getting its influence out of my life once and for all.Take care,J.T.

Response From Salt Lake

We received a letter from church headquarters in Salt Lake yesterday (25 June) in response to our request to have our names removed from the membership of the church. They basically said they couldn't process our request without the input of local leaders, the stake president and ward bishop. I was kind of expecting this response. The same time I was reading this letter I received an email from the bishop stating that he had received our letter and basically wanted to get together to discuss it. He was under the impression that we were just disgruntled with the ward and were going to attend somewhere else. I will admit that this was what I had originally intended to do. But after investigation into claims that the church is not what it claims to be (the true church of Jesus Christ) I no longer wished to be a member. My family quickly agreed that we wanted our names removed from the membership records. Frankly I think the bishop was shocked by our request. I don't really blame him, though. I would be shocked too. He mentioned that he would honour our request but he felt it was in our best interest to reconsider. But I've come to the conclusion that the fact that when I saw an exit (leaving the church) and was so quick to choose the exit, that I really didn't need the church anymore. I always thought when I was younger that the church was the greatest thing that ever happened to me (next to my wife and son). It certainly changed my life in a lot of positive ways and looking back I don't really regret joining. For that time in my life (late 20's) it was what I needed. But I don't need it anymore. I no longer believe it is the true church of Jesus Christ. I don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and I don't believe there is a prophet today. We don't really need a prophet today. I also believe now that the Book of Mormon is a fabricated story written by a very clever man in the 19th century. A very clever man who deceived a lot of people. But the church deceives a lot of people today. They keep truth from its members and the church is based on false principles. That being said, it is not all bad. There are many members who are good people who will continue to be good people and be good influences on others and show Christlike love to those around them. I don't want to destroy anyone's testimony. I just wish the church was more truthful to it's members. More forthcoming with the knowledge of it's early history. They need to know the whole truth, not the whitewashed version that the church publishes today. But the church leadership's fear is that if they give the members the full truth that many would leave the church, just like my family is doing. Again I can't really blame them, but what they are doing is wrong and I can no longer be a part of an organization that is not truthful to its members. I still feel betrayed and lied to. I cannot and will not ever fully get over that. My time in the church is done. I'm waiting for the bishop to respond to my email stating that we don't want to discuss anything further, that it would not be productive. We are leaving the church because we no longer believe it is true and that should be reason enough for us to have our names removed. Take care, J.T.

Resignation Letter Sent

Well, another milestone in our journey to leave the LDS church. We sent in our resignation letter, mailed it last night. So, now the ball is rolling. Salt Lake will receive it and notify local leaders of our decision and then to remove our names from the records. I just hope this journey will be a smooth one, but somehow I don't think it will be. I've read that the church will send a pamphlet begging us to "come back, it's not too late to change your mind". But my mind has been made up. I am so done with the church, I just want our names off the record and for this whole sordid journey to be over and this chapter of my life closed for good. take care, J.T.

Moving On

I think I'm done ranting about the church. I am so past it now. I have no desire to ever return to the LDS church. I have my resignation letter and just have to get a US stamp and send it off. Once my family and I are taken off the church records I will feel a little lot better. A end of an era, a chapter on my life closed. Once it happens I can move on. Almost every day there is something I remember that I used to feel guilty about doing. Yesterday it was Sunday shopping. My family and I were camping this weekend and got home yesterday. We had to go grocery shopping for the coming week and I was thinking about before when I was going to church I would feel bad about grocery shopping on Sunday. Didn't bother me at all yesterday. Not one bit. I also had to do our laundry at a laundromat, as we didn't have change for the machines in our building. I would have felt guilty about that too. Instead, I came home from shopping and laundry and had a nice cold refreshing beer. No guilt. I'm moving on... Take care, J.T.

Once Bitten Twice Shy

The title of this blog is exactly how I feel about organized religion. I've been bitten--badly by the LDS church and it will be a while before I set foot in another church if ever in my lifetime. How can I trust what they're saying? I trusted my LDS church and its leaders for 18 years, trusted their judgment and counsel. I listened to the prophet of the church as he expounded on missionary work and temple work. Took counsel from ancient and modern scriptures that forbad the consumption of alcohol and tea and coffee. I listened when my leaders told me not to watch R rated movies. To avoid anything with the appearance of evil. To pay tithing because it would bring blessings. Read my scriptures and feel the spirit of the Lord in my life. It's really sad. I grew up going to church as a child, but my parents stopped going because of a silly disagreement over money and once we moved to a new city, we never went to a church. I had no desire to go to church. I found it boring and--well boring. Then a miraculous thing happened in 1993. I was 28 years old and living on my own. A family member sent the LDS missionaries to my apartment. They had a wonderful message. The church that Jesus started when he was on the Earth in New Testament times had been restored. What? I didn't know it needed to be. Well it did, and I was taken in quite nicely by it all. It was a wonderful story. A young 14 year old boy prayed and got the answer of a lifetime. He saw God and Jesus Christ. Unbelievable, right? Maybe, I thought, but possible. Within days I believed the missionaries story and had committed to baptism. Sunday December 12, 1993 my life changed. I was baptized a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was a new person. I quickly moved up in the ranks of the ward, eventually serving as first counsellor in the Elders Quorum Presidency and being sealed to my wife in the Toronto Temple in August 1997. And now it's come to this. Almost 19 years after becoming a member I'm about to send in my resignation letter to Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City. I am already no longer a member in my mind and spirit. It just needs to be done on paper. When I think about it sometimes I fell ill. Not that I've made a mistake in leaving but that I made a mistake in joining. So many wonderful memories over the years--blessing my newborn son, baptizing him when he turned 8, serving in callings and getting to know the people in my ward--all based on a lie and deception. Nothing I did really mattered. I had no authority to bless or baptize my son. I had no authority to preside in my callings. I didn't have the Priesthood. I really had nothing. So I'm leaving with nothing. The hardest part to fathom is that the general authorities in Salt Lake must certainly be in on the lie. They are not prophets as they claim. I see no evidence of this. Surely they know they are deceiving millions of members but they can't go back. They must keep up the lie. That's their most important mandate, to make the church look good in the public eye, to avoid a controversy. They need the millions of $$$ to continue to roll in to finance their business ventures. You know that if they took the $$$ that they spend on 1 temple to be built they could spend it on feeding an African village for a year or more. The church doesn't need more temples, they need to act more Christian and help more aggressively in the poorer parts of the world. OK, I've ranted enough. Suffice it to say I'm done with organized religion for the forseeable future. I'm going to enjoy my Sunday mornings--at home. Once bitten twice shy. I've been bitten and I'll be very shy about going into the shark infested waters of religion for quite a while. Take care, J.T.

A New Mindset

The more I read about church history and how a lot of things were changed, altered or "whitewashed" to fit what's acceptable for present day devout church members, the angrier I get. I suppose "angry" is not completely accurate. I don't know what exact emotion I'm feeling but anger comes pretty close. Angry at being lied to and deceived for so many years. Angry at towing the "company line" of the church for so many years. Every aspect of what I believed was true for 18 years now has to be deprogrammed from my brain. I used to scoff at these studies that suggested that a glass of wine a day was actually good for you because of the anti oxidants. Ludicrous, I thought, because the Word Of Wisdom forbids the consumption of alcohol--of any kind. And the Word Of Wisdom I believe was the word of God revealed to his true church. Now I come to learn that was is ludicrous is not the wine drinking but the word of wisdom (WofW) itself. Something I have to relearn--a little alcohol in moderation is OK for you. I participated in a gift exchange last Christmas with some family members and got a set of different flavoured teas. It was a nice gift, packaged in a nice box, but I thougth "I'm never going to drink these teas, I'm not supposed to drink tea". So I gave the gift away to someone who will use it. I didn't get to enjoy my Christmas present because the WofW forbade tea drinking. I was OK with that at the time, now I'm just annoyed about it. I have to relearn that tea is not that harmful to the body. Last Hallowe'en my son got some Coffee Crisp chocolate bars in his treat bag. I thought "Oh, he shouldn't eat those, they have coffee in them and coffee is forbidden because of the WofW". Now when I see a Coffee Crisp bar or my son gets one in his Hallowe'en treat bag, I can eat it! No guilt. I'm changing my mindset little by little. I'm embarrased now to think of how many times I testified either in church or elsewhere that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the Lord's church has been restored to the earth. I know now that's not true. I can't take back those words, but I feel like I've been perpetuating the lie and that kind so feels scuzzy. Everything that he taught as inspired counsel can be ignored because he was not a prophet. A new mindset--the world without a prophet on the earth to counsel us in our everyday lives. President Hinckley stated that the church stands or falls on the First Vision. Well now that we know that the First Vision was a lie, the church fall--obviously. So, new mindset--the world without the church that Jesus Christ led while he was on the Earth. There is no "true" church. Because of this, I don't have to do missionary work or temple work, or geneology (unless I want to), I don't have to pay tithing, or do home teaching or go to church on Sunday or go to a boring Priesthood meeting. Or watch Conference twice a year. I don't have to have FHE, I can spend time with my family when I want to do it. I don't have to read scriptures every day, either. I don't have to do any of these things because they were all part of the Mormon church and I'm no longer a member (spiritually at least). Now I can drink coffee and tea. I can drink alcohol (in moderation). I can watch R rated movies (if I want). I don't have to leaf through every book I pick up and look for signs of profanity inside. So I now have a new mindset about quite a lot of things, and I'm still figuring out the ramifications of that. This might take a while... Take care, J.T.

Resignation Letter

Today I wrote my resignation letter from the LDS church. I've been wanting to do it for about a week but figured there's no rush. Maybe there should be a rush. The sooner I put this whole debacle behind me the better, for the sake of my sanity. I'm including my wife and my son in the letter and will send it to church headquarters in Salt Lake. I'm debating whether to send a copy to my bishop and stake president as well. I know they will eventually get a copy but if I send it to them personally I know they will be shocked and disappointed. I just had an interview with the stake president about a year ago(long before this issue came to a head)about calling me as an assistant ward clerk, and he grilled me about why I went inactive 8 years ago. Like he didn't want to waste his time on me if I was going to go inactive again. At the time I was committed to make it work and had no inkling of the events that would transpire earlier this year that would lead to my leaving the church. I can't let that stop me from what I'm doing, though. I am absolutely sure I'm making the right decision and have no doubts and have no desire to change my mind about this. That much is clear. But there will probably be some hurt feelings and disappointment on the behalf of some of my ward and stake leaders but I can't let that cloud my judgment. I wrote the letter this morning and will have to edit it a little when I get home this evening... Then all I just have to do is send it... Take care, J.T.

Guilt

Today's topic is guilt. It's amazing once you remove yourself from a situation and look back on how you felt, how clear everything seems. Guilt was a major part of my life for many years. Being a member of the LDS faith gave me ample opportunity to feel guilt, often multiple times on a daily basis. Whenever I picked up a book to read in my leisure time, I would feel a little guilty that I should be reading scriptures instead. If there was profanity in the book I was reading, I would feel a twinge of guilt and if there was a fair bit of profanity I would put down the book. This was what we were counselled to do in the church. (As you could imagine it was hard to find "appropriate" books to read,many of todays books are littered with profanity). Same with movies. If a movie had a rating above PG-13 I would avoid watching it. Even some PG and PG-13 movies have a fair bit of profanity in them. If a movie had 14A or R I would not watch it. Cable TV shows as well. I would cringe every time there was a swear word on the TV and sometimes would have to leave the room if there was enough of it to make me feel uncomfortable. I shudder to think of how manipulated I was and conditioned to act a certain way. The guilt I would feel would be overwhelming sometimes. Oh, but there were some other things to feel guilty about. Not wanting to go to church on Sunday morning. Sometimes I would go just to banish the guilt. Then, after coming home from church and not knowing what to do, feeling guilty at putting on the TV or reading non church books and magazines. Going shopping on Sunday was a biggie. We weren't supposed to shop on the Sabbath, it was the Lord's day. But some times it was unavoidable. About a month ago I went grocery shopping on a Sunday morning with my wife as we had been too busy on the Saturday. I saw another member of the ward (with a fairly high calling in the ward) doing his shopping as well. No doubt he felt "guilty" at what he was doing as well. We had a hard time holding Family Home Evening (one night a week your family spends together playing games and having treats--oh and with a lesson on a church topic thrown in for good measure). I felt guilty about that we didn't have FHE every week. We tried a few times but it always felt silly. We spent time together as a family lots of other times during the week. It just didn't feel right to have a forced time set aside for it. But it was "inspired" counsel so we "should" do it. We were counselled to read scriptures every day, especially from the Book of Mormon. Some days I just didn't feel like it (maybe because the book was hogwash and I didn't feel the spirit when I read it like I should have--another thing to feel guilty about). Prayer was another hard one for me. I never got in the habit in the 18 years of being a member of praying daily. I had prayed, of course many times but it never was a daily habit. It was more like a chore. I didn't feel that my prayers were answered(that's a whole other topic) and I felt guilty about that. Not going to all my church meetings and extra curricular church meetings was also guilt inducing. You wanna know something. The special meetings like the Stake Priesthood meeting held twice a year were boring and repetetive (and a half hour drive away!). Imagine a large chapel with a couple thousand men in ugly ties and boring haircuts crowded into church pews singing a few hymns and listening to stake leaders rattle on about how we weren't doing enough to help our families, we weren't being righteous enough or doing enough to become closer to God. We weren't doing enough missionary work (a common subject in the church), or doing enough to magnify our Priesthood. (Every "righteous" adult male over 12 holds the Priesthood, the authority to act for God). Actually the Priesthood was just another way to make you conform to the rules because if you weren't doing everything you should you were not magnifying your Priesthood. Everything was an admonishment often slyly hidden in pseudo praise and encouragement. It was actually mindless rabble. In one of my earlier posts I related how in February of this year we had a special multi stake conference. It was by satellite broadcast from Brampton. The whole meeting was taken up with the business of changing stake boundaries in Southern Ontario, and the calling of new leaders to stake positions. I look back on that day and think, I wasted my Sunday morning that I could have spent with my family, listening to who was the new Stake President in whatever Stake. Who really cares? I certainly didn't. This had gone on for 2 hours!. There was a bit of hymn singing in between but wow, I'm glad I didn't bring any invesigators to that meeting! They would have been bored to tears. But I would have felt guilty if I hadn't gone. I thankfully didn't drag my wife and son along that day. They were smart enough to stay home. (They probably felt guilty, well my wife, anyway) There are many other things I felt guilty about over the years, it was a daily occurence. Guilt was a part of my life. Constant admonishment that you were not good enough for the Lord, you always needed to do better. 18 years of that can really drag you down. But now, I no longer feel guilty about those things and it feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Well, its Sunday morning at 8 am. I have to get ready for church now. Oh wait, I no longer go to church. Guilt gone... Take care, J.T.

What I'm doing today...

I'm sitting here writing this at the computer and I'm...drinking a beer. **gasp** Coors light. Woo hoo!. I know I'm such a rebel. It felt so good walking into the LCBO and buying a six pack of beer. It's been so long. I still remembered where they kept the beer, though. I'm not much of a wine or hard liquor person, I like my beer, especially on a hot day (which today isn't). Anyway you're probably saying "beer? So what?". The "so what" is that alcohol is forbidden in the LDS church and I haven't had one for probably 7 or 8 years--the last time I went inactive from the LDS church. I've been drinking coffee for a couple of weeks now as well. **gasp** "Coffee? So what?" Well coffee is forbidden too in the LDS church. Every time I take a sip of coffee or a swig of beer I feel a little more distance between me and the "LDS" cult church. The sooner I distance myself completely from the church, the happier I will be. Oh and if anyone cares I went to buy underwear yesterday at Walmart. "So what?" you might ask. "Why are you telling me this?". Well to all "good" Mormons who go to the temple, you have to wear special underwear (google "mormon underwear" and you can see for yourself what they look like and yes, they are as ugly and uncomfortable as they look--and they're really uncomfortablly hot in the summertime). I threw out my "special underwear" in the garbage yesterday and am relaxing in my black Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs! Life is good. Take care, J.T.

The Future...

Like I stated in my last post, the LDS experience has left me questioning the whole facet of organized religion. In the past, I scoffed at people who had this view saying they just didn't have the spirit or weren't "enlightened" enough because I thought I was so damned enlightened. I thought I had this superior knowledge above what the average person had. I had the gospel of Jesus Christ and the "truth". I would've shared with you my profound knowledge if you had asked me and you could then be admitted into this special "LDS club". Then you would feel that you now had this superior knowledge. To have been deceived, manipulated, defrauded, and lied to in such a spectacular fashion and on such a large scale has left a very bad taste in my mouth towards religion in general. Do I believe in God? I think so. That may sound like a juvenile or a vague answer, but I really and truly don't know right now. I think there may be a supreme creator but he sure isn't anything like what I've been taught he was like in the LDS church. If there is a God I don't blame him for the mess I got into. That's all my fault. Does he guide my life? Not sure. I don't feel that he does very often if he does at all. Is he a kind and loving God? Don't know that either. There's an awful lot of pain and suffering in the world. Would there be even more if he didn't intevene in at least some of it? I don't really know. Can he intervene? Don't know that either. Does he love me? Not even sure about that. Does he answer prayers? I'm sure he does--sometimes. There are a lot of beautiful things in the world as well. Would there still be beautiful things without a God. I don't know. To say I will never go to church or fully believe in God is a bit premature. I'm still recovering from the LDS Experience and likely will be recovering for a long time, so I can't make any of those kinds of decisions right now. We'll see in another year or so. I've grown up with a belief that there is a God. So that's 47 years with this opinion. I won't abandon it so easily. Take care, J.T.

Slowly Going Downhill

Once things started to go downhill in 2010-2011 I was bound and determined that I wasn't going to go inactive again. I made a promise to myself that I would stick with it this time. My wife didn't really want to continue to go but she did occasionally if only to support me. Finally in 2011 I got another calling, one that I had before (the one I had when I went inactive in 2004) and that was Assistant Ward Clerk. I was happy to finally get a "real" calling. Maybe now I would fit in better with the ward members. But the Ward Clerk did all the work and there was nothing for me to really do. I'm not one to hang around waiting for work to be given me to do. If you want me to do something you have to tell me. I did ask the clerk if there was anything I could do but he said just filing if I had the time. I struggled with going to church. I believed in the church, that it was the true church. I believed in Joseph Smith, that he was a prophet. I read scriptures--not every day but I tried to read them as much as I could. I avoided alcohol and coffee/tea. I tried to pray, but it never became consistent. I felt my family slipping away from the church. My son didn't want to go to church. I thought something was wrong in his class but he wouldn't tell me (I later found out he was being bullied by his classmates). My wife worked every other Sunday, and on her Sunday off didn't really want to go to church--she wanted to rest. Hell, I wanted to rest too! Sunday was my only real day off--Saturday was always filled with shopping and chores. But I continued to go. I taught in Elders Quorum twice a month and did a sacrament talk a couple times a year. But I was drifting further and further away--slowly each week--each month. In January 2012 I had a talk with my bishop about my feeling "wishy washy" about the gospel. It was time to stop this nonsense, I said, and take it seriously. He gave me another calling--Ward Executive Secretary. I thought I had finally "made it". This was a big deal. I would be interracting with the Bishopric, sitting in on meetings and all the calling entailed. The Bishop gave me some assignments to set up appointments with members for temple recommend interviews and just interviews in general. I hate talking on the phone to people. I dreaded having to do this. I kept putting it off, worried that bishop would call me and ask when was I going to make these appointments. I was terrified to go to church or he would confront me about my lack of progress in this assignment. I couldn't sleep for a week I was worried about this assignment. I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. The guilt at not doing my calling. The guilt at not going to the temple enough. Not doing home teaching(which I despised and thought was a flippin' waste of time, but thought I should do it because my Priesthood leaders told me I should do it). Guilty at dragging my family to church when all they wanted to do was rest on Sunday. Guilty at not doing the Lord's work on Sunday. Guilty at not sharing the gospel with friends like we were told to do over and over week after week. Guilty when I read a book with a swear word in it or watched a movie with a swear word in it. Guilty at not preparing for my lessons well enough. Some weeks the lesson would be OK, other times it was agony getting through the half hour lesson in EQ. I always strugged with tithing. I would pay it enough to get a temple recommend then would stop a few months later. It was just so hard to do. My wife and I started paying it at the beginning of 2012 again. We figured we needed the blessings. A week after we payed tithing we had a problem with our car and had to shell out $600. (which we didn't really have). OK, pay tithing, should have blessings--reality: no blessing just a car repair bill. The kicker was that the bill was for the car alarm. After paying the $$$, the alarm still had a problem so we took it back to the car dealership and they ended up disconnecting it, so the $600 was for nothing!!! Some blessing that was! We continued to pay tithing, thinking it was a test of our faith(sound familiar?). But the truth was we were just getting deeper and deeper in the hole. Like I said above, I snapped then. I was sitting in a Sunday morning Bishopric meeting and I felt more and more uneasy and suddenly I felt like I wanted to bolt. I didn't want to be there anymore. I left after that meeting ended and I've never been back. This was March 2012. The whole church thing was just too much to have to deal with. Arguing with my son on Sunday morning to get dressed for church. I prayed for help and it never came. Preparing for a talk, preparing my EQ lesson, worrying about my assigment. That was it. I had enough. I was done. But I held out hope that things would change. Should I stop going or should I buckle down and go back? Finally my wife confronted me and said I had to make a decision. Were we going to church, or not? This wishy washiness was driving us both nuts. I couldn't give an answer until the next day. I don't know what I was waiting for, a lightning bolt to say "GO BACK TO CHURCH". If heavenly father wanted me there he would show me the way. I waited and waited but this miraculous intervention never came. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. That was it. I was not going to church anymore. I had my answer. It was about 4 weeks before anyone contacted us. The bishop emailed and asked could we talk. I was long past reconciling. It was too late. It was over. In my mind I had made my decision. I emailed him back that no I did not want to talk, I was no longer attending church and please release me from my calling. The EQ president emailed a few days later. Could I teach on Sunday? (The Bishop didn't tell him about my email obviously). I told him that no I could not teach and was no longer attending church. "Oh, OK take care", was the response. Then in my investigations, I stumbled on a website, I don't remember which one now. All these contradictions in the Book of Mormon, no evidence of civilizations such as were described in the book. I kinda knew these things already but I didn't investigate further. The "real" Joseph Smith and how he was not like the offical church history portrayed him. I had heard stories but ignored them in the past. Members leaving the church in droves, I figured "oh they lost their testimony, they weren't strong enough, they were weak". It was their fault. They should have prayed more. Or read their scriptures or at least not peruse "anti-Mormon" websites. The incident in the 1980's over forged documents in SLC. Why didn't the prophet of the church receive revelation that the documents were forged? I had heard this story before but explained it away somehow. I noticed that church membership growth was slowing but the church claimed it was growing faster than ever. Some of the things that Brigham Young said and taught were just plain psychotic, but I ignored it. OK, so he was a nut but he was a "prophet" called of God. He was allowed to be a little eccentric. And what was the purpose of the temple endowment? What was I really learning there? It all seemed so silly and absurd but I thought God must have a purpose for it, but I couldn't see it. So many contradictions. Multiple versions of the First Vision. And why was the Nauvoo Expositor press destroyed by Joseph Smith just before his "martyrdom" in 1844? To prevent an expose on his "affair" with the wife of the press owner? His smuggling a gun into the Carthage jail and killing 2 people before being killed himself. His lying about polygamy for many years. The list goes on and on...and on... Let's face it, I was brainwashed. Pure and simple. Every time I was confronted with something odd or unusual, I would explain it away. After all the church was perfect even if the members were not. We weren't supposed to question anything, but just accept it as "inspired" counsel from our church leaders. Well now I've come to the realization that everything I've been taught about the church, about Joseph Smith, the history, the ordinances, the doctrine--everything is a load of crap. Every last bit of it. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel deceived and used. I wasted 18 years of my life in the LDS church. Years I could have been progressing in a Christian faith. Now I don't think I'll ever attend another church, ever. The LDS experience has ruined me for religion. Never say never, though. I believe there is hope and I may one day want to try attending a church. But this experience of the last 18 years has affected me so deeply that it will take years to recover. I'm just glad I didn't suck anyone else into this "religion". Now I know why they made member missionary work so prominent this year. The missionaries are running out of people to teach so we need to drag our family and friends into the church. Increasing numbers is what it's all about, don't you know? Oh and we had a special stake conference in February this year. The whole 2 hours was taken up with splitting stake boundaries and setting apart the new leaders. What a flippin' waste of time that was! Couldn't this have been done behind closed doors, not over satellite broadcast? I can't believe I went that week. Oh well, no more. There, I'm done ranting for now. I'll continue in my next post as to where I am now and what lies ahead. Take care, J.T.

My Story Continued

As I mentioned in my last post, things started to unravel once I moved to a new ward. This was actually my new wife's old ward, so I knew some of the people already and some of them were my wife's friends. But it wasn't the same. I didn't get a calling until I was in the ward over a year which kind of bothered me. I was finally called as an assistant clerk. The calling was OK but I always felt like I wasn't doing enough. I didn't understand some of the things I was supposed to do and the ward clerk was no help as he counted on me to take care of the financial clerk stuff. So the stake clerk would always bail me out and help me with problems that came up. I found that I was missing Priesthood class so that I could catch up on some of the administrative chores. It was actually encouraged that I miss class to do some of this stuff. I thought that was wrong, but if your leaders are telling you this then it must be OK, right? It was this lack of connection to my quorum and the ward in general that led to my going inactive in 2004. I was only going to church to fulfill my calling, I didn't go to Priesthood class or if I did, I felt like an outsider. In January 2004 I stopped going to church. My wife had stopped going months before so there was no conflict there. I was inactive for almost 3 years. I started drinking coffee and would have the occasional beer. But I felt something was missing. I actually missed church. But no one contacted us for a couple of years. Finally, a new elders quorum president was called and he didn't know me as his family had just moved into the ward. He became our home teacher and dropped hints about my coming back to church and eventually in October 2006 I did returned to activity. It was hard. All the "welcome backs" and "we missed you" (yeah right!)kind of got to me after a while. My wife returned as well but she didn't really want to be there. I got a calling about 6 months after I returned, Elder's Quorum Instructor. The EQ president thought I needed the study time for the lessons to get me back into the gospel. I thought it was an inspired calling and I accepted. It went along well for a while, but I wasn't progressing very fast. and I still felt disconnected to the ward. I tried and tried over the years to feel connected, but those old feelings were coming back. I felt like if I wasn't here would anyone miss me? The ward was doing fine without me there. My son turned 8 in 2010 and we felt the spirit strongly, and he decided to get baptized. He was baptized in March 2010. I baptized and confirmed him. We were happy. 5 months later my wife and I got our temple recommends back and we were on top of the world. We started wearing the garments again and things were going great. That lasted for about 6 months. We struggled with tithing (I always have), and we felt guilty about that and didn't go to the temple very much. We tried family scripture study and Family Home Evening, but it didn't last long and we felt guilty about that (there's a lot of guilt involved in everything associated with the church). That's when things started to go downhill again. More about that in my next post. Take care, J.T.

Sudden Departure Part 2

In my last post I talked about the fact that I’ve been a member of the Mormon church for almost 19 years. It will be 19 years this coming December, 2012. I still remember the missionaries coming to my apartment and teaching me the discussions. They told me the Joseph Smith story about seeing God and Jesus Christ in the Sacred Grove when he was a 14 year old boy. They taught me a lot of things, but I was fascinated by Joseph Smith and his story. What an incredible tale! However, they didn’t tell me that Joseph Smith didn’t even get the story straight about what he saw in the grove until many years after the supposed event. As I mentioned, I was fascinated with the Joseph Smith story. What a wonderful story it was! Imagine seeing God and Jesus Christ in person. I always wondered though why Joseph didn’t record the date that this happened. Wouldn’t you want to record the date of so fantastical of an event in your young life? I think I’d be recording this in my journal! They (God and Jesus Christ) told him not to join any of the churches. THAT was the message that God gave Joseph Smith? there were apparently other instructions given but they've never been revealed, at least not that I'm aware. I hope there would have been more. Recently I discovered some additional information surrounding Joseph Smith’s “martyrdom” in 1844. It’s well documented in church books that he had the press of the Nauvoo Expositor destroyed. I always wondered why this was. I guess Joseph was having an inappopriate relationship with the wife of the owner of the press. When the press was going to expose this “affair”, Joseph had the press destroyed. And this whole polygamy thing. I actually bothered me back when I was investigating the church with the missionaries. I'm sure it bothers a lot of people. I posed this question to them as to why the church suddenly gave up on polygamy when the Statehood of Utah was being held up. The missionaries reponse was that the president of the church at the time received revleation that polygamy was to end. The church has tried for many years to explain the reason for polygamy in the 19th century. In the Work and the Glory series of fiction books, it actually dealt with the issue of polygamy in a good manner and I was satisfied with the reason. The brethren were “commanded” by the Lord to do it—they did it grudgingly but finally gave in to the Lord and practiced it. Why would the Lord give such a commandment? Seems ludicrous—and it is. The “real” reason was that Joseph smith was a womanizer who apparently couldn’t keep his hands off other women—especially married women. This “revelation” of polygamy was just the answer. Make it a commandment and voila, you can have marital relations with as many women as you want. And it’s not even a sin! I’m pretty sure the bible frowns on being married to more than one woman. But if it’s a new commandment from God! Let’s go for it brethren. The night before I was to have my baptism interview I couldn’t sleep. I was upset by the Elders and their behaviour earlier that evening during an appointment. They were looking at my collection of video movies and were making fun of them. I thought this odd behaviour and that it was quite rude at the time and addressed it during the baptism interview, but the district leader apologized and the elders apologized. I was placated. But this should have been a warning. Run for the hills!!! My baptism went well and I went along in the church until about a month after my baptism. It was the day of the Northridge California earthquake—January 17, 1994. I had stayed home sick from work and watched the TV news coverage of the earthquake. The longer the day went on the more unsettled I felt. The Elders had been lying to me—the church was a fraud—what did I get myself into?. I called the Elders and they came over the next evening and put my feelings at ease. I was again placated. Everything went along smoothly. I've always had trouble with paying tithing—a requirement for worthiness to gain a temple recommend and to enter the temple. I finally started to pay it consistently about a year after I joined the church. Nineteen months after joining the church, in July 1995 I went to the Toronto Temple for my own endowments. I was on top of the world. I felt great. I started to wear the temple garments and life was good. A few months later I moved into the same house the Elders lived in. It was a wonderful time. I spent time with the Elders and got to know quite a few of them over the next 2 years I lived there. I met my future wife in December 1996 and we were sealed in the Toronto Temple in August 1997. She had been a member for about as long as I had been. A few years later we moved from the city I had been living in to another city(where I am living now with my wife and 10 year old son). This is when the cracks started to appear in my church membership. I’ll get into that in my next post. Take care, J.T.

Sudden Departure

Ok, I'm just going to say it. I've left the Mormon church after being a member for almost 19 years. I joined the church in December 1993 at the age of 28. I received my temple endowment in July 1995 and was sealed to my wife in the Toronto Ontario Temple in August 1997. The reason I left the church is simple. The Mormon Church is a fraud. It is not the true church of Jesus Christ restored to the earth. For 19 years I was brainwashed to believe that Joseph Smith was a 19th century prophet who restored Jesus Christ's New Testament Gospel to the Earth in these the Latter Days(hence the name of the cult church. I was led to believe that the Book Of Mormon was the word of God and that it was an additional testament(witness)of Jesus Christ. How did I come to this conclusion that the church is a fraud? It might seem that it was a sudden decision but really the seeds of rebellion have been nurtured for a while now. What finally "woke" me up to the fact that the church is a lie? I have been struggling for months, trying to find this "peace" that everyone in the church is talking about, but since I've been a member for so long the self talk has so ingrained in my brain that I had a hard time not believing what I came to think was the truth for so long. How could it not be true? I prayed about it like they tell you to do. To receive a witness for yourself that the church is true, that the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith is a prophet. It saddens me to think of all those Sunday mornings during Fast and Testimony meeting listening to 10 year old children get up in front of the congregation and say "I know the church is true, I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet and I know that we have a prophet today". Oh my! They do start the brainwashing early? It saddens me to think of all those missionaries out in the world, leaving their friends and family behind and going away for 2 years (at their own expense no less). What they are teaching is a lie. But over the years I've come to know quite a few of them and they aren't bad people. They really believe in what they are doing. So if you see them on the street caught in the rain you can give them a ride if you feel sorry for them. I had a crisis of faith in March of this year. I had just been called as the Ward Executive secretary in my ward here in Southern Ontario. I was excited for the new calling. I had finally "made" it. I was basically the Bishop's secretary. Quite prestigious, I thought. Now things will start to happen. I'll gain back my wavering testimony and start to become more active in the church, do my home teaching, go to the temple more often. None of this happened. I couldn't understand what I was feeling. Why did I feel so alone. Did God abandon me? Why wasn't he helping me? I put it to the test. I said to God. "OK, this is it?, I need to know one way or the other if I should continue on this path or what should I do?" No answer. I was even more confused... Until yesterday. I made a realization that no answer was an answer. God actually DID answer me by not answering "yes" to "Should I go back to church?" No, I shouldn't go back to the church. That was the answer. Because the church is not what it claims. It is most definitely NOT the Lord's church. I have come to this conclusion after many hours of contemplation and study. How could I have been so blind for so many years? How could I be duped in such a spectacular fashion? There were so many clues over the years but because I was a victim of brainwashing I simply ignored the clues. I will continue this discussion in my next posting. Take care, J.T.

Leaving the LDS Church

I know that not a lot of people are going to read this blog, but what I hope to accomplish is to get down these thoughts and feelings I have about my leaving the LDS church after 18 years of being a member. This is my first post and I hope to begin my journey within the next few days so stay tuned and thanks for reading. Take care, J.T.