Response From Salt Lake

We received a letter from church headquarters in Salt Lake yesterday (25 June) in response to our request to have our names removed from the membership of the church. They basically said they couldn't process our request without the input of local leaders, the stake president and ward bishop. I was kind of expecting this response. The same time I was reading this letter I received an email from the bishop stating that he had received our letter and basically wanted to get together to discuss it. He was under the impression that we were just disgruntled with the ward and were going to attend somewhere else. I will admit that this was what I had originally intended to do. But after investigation into claims that the church is not what it claims to be (the true church of Jesus Christ) I no longer wished to be a member. My family quickly agreed that we wanted our names removed from the membership records. Frankly I think the bishop was shocked by our request. I don't really blame him, though. I would be shocked too. He mentioned that he would honour our request but he felt it was in our best interest to reconsider. But I've come to the conclusion that the fact that when I saw an exit (leaving the church) and was so quick to choose the exit, that I really didn't need the church anymore. I always thought when I was younger that the church was the greatest thing that ever happened to me (next to my wife and son). It certainly changed my life in a lot of positive ways and looking back I don't really regret joining. For that time in my life (late 20's) it was what I needed. But I don't need it anymore. I no longer believe it is the true church of Jesus Christ. I don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and I don't believe there is a prophet today. We don't really need a prophet today. I also believe now that the Book of Mormon is a fabricated story written by a very clever man in the 19th century. A very clever man who deceived a lot of people. But the church deceives a lot of people today. They keep truth from its members and the church is based on false principles. That being said, it is not all bad. There are many members who are good people who will continue to be good people and be good influences on others and show Christlike love to those around them. I don't want to destroy anyone's testimony. I just wish the church was more truthful to it's members. More forthcoming with the knowledge of it's early history. They need to know the whole truth, not the whitewashed version that the church publishes today. But the church leadership's fear is that if they give the members the full truth that many would leave the church, just like my family is doing. Again I can't really blame them, but what they are doing is wrong and I can no longer be a part of an organization that is not truthful to its members. I still feel betrayed and lied to. I cannot and will not ever fully get over that. My time in the church is done. I'm waiting for the bishop to respond to my email stating that we don't want to discuss anything further, that it would not be productive. We are leaving the church because we no longer believe it is true and that should be reason enough for us to have our names removed. Take care, J.T.

Resignation Letter Sent

Well, another milestone in our journey to leave the LDS church. We sent in our resignation letter, mailed it last night. So, now the ball is rolling. Salt Lake will receive it and notify local leaders of our decision and then to remove our names from the records. I just hope this journey will be a smooth one, but somehow I don't think it will be. I've read that the church will send a pamphlet begging us to "come back, it's not too late to change your mind". But my mind has been made up. I am so done with the church, I just want our names off the record and for this whole sordid journey to be over and this chapter of my life closed for good. take care, J.T.

Moving On

I think I'm done ranting about the church. I am so past it now. I have no desire to ever return to the LDS church. I have my resignation letter and just have to get a US stamp and send it off. Once my family and I are taken off the church records I will feel a little lot better. A end of an era, a chapter on my life closed. Once it happens I can move on. Almost every day there is something I remember that I used to feel guilty about doing. Yesterday it was Sunday shopping. My family and I were camping this weekend and got home yesterday. We had to go grocery shopping for the coming week and I was thinking about before when I was going to church I would feel bad about grocery shopping on Sunday. Didn't bother me at all yesterday. Not one bit. I also had to do our laundry at a laundromat, as we didn't have change for the machines in our building. I would have felt guilty about that too. Instead, I came home from shopping and laundry and had a nice cold refreshing beer. No guilt. I'm moving on... Take care, J.T.

Once Bitten Twice Shy

The title of this blog is exactly how I feel about organized religion. I've been bitten--badly by the LDS church and it will be a while before I set foot in another church if ever in my lifetime. How can I trust what they're saying? I trusted my LDS church and its leaders for 18 years, trusted their judgment and counsel. I listened to the prophet of the church as he expounded on missionary work and temple work. Took counsel from ancient and modern scriptures that forbad the consumption of alcohol and tea and coffee. I listened when my leaders told me not to watch R rated movies. To avoid anything with the appearance of evil. To pay tithing because it would bring blessings. Read my scriptures and feel the spirit of the Lord in my life. It's really sad. I grew up going to church as a child, but my parents stopped going because of a silly disagreement over money and once we moved to a new city, we never went to a church. I had no desire to go to church. I found it boring and--well boring. Then a miraculous thing happened in 1993. I was 28 years old and living on my own. A family member sent the LDS missionaries to my apartment. They had a wonderful message. The church that Jesus started when he was on the Earth in New Testament times had been restored. What? I didn't know it needed to be. Well it did, and I was taken in quite nicely by it all. It was a wonderful story. A young 14 year old boy prayed and got the answer of a lifetime. He saw God and Jesus Christ. Unbelievable, right? Maybe, I thought, but possible. Within days I believed the missionaries story and had committed to baptism. Sunday December 12, 1993 my life changed. I was baptized a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was a new person. I quickly moved up in the ranks of the ward, eventually serving as first counsellor in the Elders Quorum Presidency and being sealed to my wife in the Toronto Temple in August 1997. And now it's come to this. Almost 19 years after becoming a member I'm about to send in my resignation letter to Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City. I am already no longer a member in my mind and spirit. It just needs to be done on paper. When I think about it sometimes I fell ill. Not that I've made a mistake in leaving but that I made a mistake in joining. So many wonderful memories over the years--blessing my newborn son, baptizing him when he turned 8, serving in callings and getting to know the people in my ward--all based on a lie and deception. Nothing I did really mattered. I had no authority to bless or baptize my son. I had no authority to preside in my callings. I didn't have the Priesthood. I really had nothing. So I'm leaving with nothing. The hardest part to fathom is that the general authorities in Salt Lake must certainly be in on the lie. They are not prophets as they claim. I see no evidence of this. Surely they know they are deceiving millions of members but they can't go back. They must keep up the lie. That's their most important mandate, to make the church look good in the public eye, to avoid a controversy. They need the millions of $$$ to continue to roll in to finance their business ventures. You know that if they took the $$$ that they spend on 1 temple to be built they could spend it on feeding an African village for a year or more. The church doesn't need more temples, they need to act more Christian and help more aggressively in the poorer parts of the world. OK, I've ranted enough. Suffice it to say I'm done with organized religion for the forseeable future. I'm going to enjoy my Sunday mornings--at home. Once bitten twice shy. I've been bitten and I'll be very shy about going into the shark infested waters of religion for quite a while. Take care, J.T.

A New Mindset

The more I read about church history and how a lot of things were changed, altered or "whitewashed" to fit what's acceptable for present day devout church members, the angrier I get. I suppose "angry" is not completely accurate. I don't know what exact emotion I'm feeling but anger comes pretty close. Angry at being lied to and deceived for so many years. Angry at towing the "company line" of the church for so many years. Every aspect of what I believed was true for 18 years now has to be deprogrammed from my brain. I used to scoff at these studies that suggested that a glass of wine a day was actually good for you because of the anti oxidants. Ludicrous, I thought, because the Word Of Wisdom forbids the consumption of alcohol--of any kind. And the Word Of Wisdom I believe was the word of God revealed to his true church. Now I come to learn that was is ludicrous is not the wine drinking but the word of wisdom (WofW) itself. Something I have to relearn--a little alcohol in moderation is OK for you. I participated in a gift exchange last Christmas with some family members and got a set of different flavoured teas. It was a nice gift, packaged in a nice box, but I thougth "I'm never going to drink these teas, I'm not supposed to drink tea". So I gave the gift away to someone who will use it. I didn't get to enjoy my Christmas present because the WofW forbade tea drinking. I was OK with that at the time, now I'm just annoyed about it. I have to relearn that tea is not that harmful to the body. Last Hallowe'en my son got some Coffee Crisp chocolate bars in his treat bag. I thought "Oh, he shouldn't eat those, they have coffee in them and coffee is forbidden because of the WofW". Now when I see a Coffee Crisp bar or my son gets one in his Hallowe'en treat bag, I can eat it! No guilt. I'm changing my mindset little by little. I'm embarrased now to think of how many times I testified either in church or elsewhere that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the Lord's church has been restored to the earth. I know now that's not true. I can't take back those words, but I feel like I've been perpetuating the lie and that kind so feels scuzzy. Everything that he taught as inspired counsel can be ignored because he was not a prophet. A new mindset--the world without a prophet on the earth to counsel us in our everyday lives. President Hinckley stated that the church stands or falls on the First Vision. Well now that we know that the First Vision was a lie, the church fall--obviously. So, new mindset--the world without the church that Jesus Christ led while he was on the Earth. There is no "true" church. Because of this, I don't have to do missionary work or temple work, or geneology (unless I want to), I don't have to pay tithing, or do home teaching or go to church on Sunday or go to a boring Priesthood meeting. Or watch Conference twice a year. I don't have to have FHE, I can spend time with my family when I want to do it. I don't have to read scriptures every day, either. I don't have to do any of these things because they were all part of the Mormon church and I'm no longer a member (spiritually at least). Now I can drink coffee and tea. I can drink alcohol (in moderation). I can watch R rated movies (if I want). I don't have to leaf through every book I pick up and look for signs of profanity inside. So I now have a new mindset about quite a lot of things, and I'm still figuring out the ramifications of that. This might take a while... Take care, J.T.

Resignation Letter

Today I wrote my resignation letter from the LDS church. I've been wanting to do it for about a week but figured there's no rush. Maybe there should be a rush. The sooner I put this whole debacle behind me the better, for the sake of my sanity. I'm including my wife and my son in the letter and will send it to church headquarters in Salt Lake. I'm debating whether to send a copy to my bishop and stake president as well. I know they will eventually get a copy but if I send it to them personally I know they will be shocked and disappointed. I just had an interview with the stake president about a year ago(long before this issue came to a head)about calling me as an assistant ward clerk, and he grilled me about why I went inactive 8 years ago. Like he didn't want to waste his time on me if I was going to go inactive again. At the time I was committed to make it work and had no inkling of the events that would transpire earlier this year that would lead to my leaving the church. I can't let that stop me from what I'm doing, though. I am absolutely sure I'm making the right decision and have no doubts and have no desire to change my mind about this. That much is clear. But there will probably be some hurt feelings and disappointment on the behalf of some of my ward and stake leaders but I can't let that cloud my judgment. I wrote the letter this morning and will have to edit it a little when I get home this evening... Then all I just have to do is send it... Take care, J.T.

Guilt

Today's topic is guilt. It's amazing once you remove yourself from a situation and look back on how you felt, how clear everything seems. Guilt was a major part of my life for many years. Being a member of the LDS faith gave me ample opportunity to feel guilt, often multiple times on a daily basis. Whenever I picked up a book to read in my leisure time, I would feel a little guilty that I should be reading scriptures instead. If there was profanity in the book I was reading, I would feel a twinge of guilt and if there was a fair bit of profanity I would put down the book. This was what we were counselled to do in the church. (As you could imagine it was hard to find "appropriate" books to read,many of todays books are littered with profanity). Same with movies. If a movie had a rating above PG-13 I would avoid watching it. Even some PG and PG-13 movies have a fair bit of profanity in them. If a movie had 14A or R I would not watch it. Cable TV shows as well. I would cringe every time there was a swear word on the TV and sometimes would have to leave the room if there was enough of it to make me feel uncomfortable. I shudder to think of how manipulated I was and conditioned to act a certain way. The guilt I would feel would be overwhelming sometimes. Oh, but there were some other things to feel guilty about. Not wanting to go to church on Sunday morning. Sometimes I would go just to banish the guilt. Then, after coming home from church and not knowing what to do, feeling guilty at putting on the TV or reading non church books and magazines. Going shopping on Sunday was a biggie. We weren't supposed to shop on the Sabbath, it was the Lord's day. But some times it was unavoidable. About a month ago I went grocery shopping on a Sunday morning with my wife as we had been too busy on the Saturday. I saw another member of the ward (with a fairly high calling in the ward) doing his shopping as well. No doubt he felt "guilty" at what he was doing as well. We had a hard time holding Family Home Evening (one night a week your family spends together playing games and having treats--oh and with a lesson on a church topic thrown in for good measure). I felt guilty about that we didn't have FHE every week. We tried a few times but it always felt silly. We spent time together as a family lots of other times during the week. It just didn't feel right to have a forced time set aside for it. But it was "inspired" counsel so we "should" do it. We were counselled to read scriptures every day, especially from the Book of Mormon. Some days I just didn't feel like it (maybe because the book was hogwash and I didn't feel the spirit when I read it like I should have--another thing to feel guilty about). Prayer was another hard one for me. I never got in the habit in the 18 years of being a member of praying daily. I had prayed, of course many times but it never was a daily habit. It was more like a chore. I didn't feel that my prayers were answered(that's a whole other topic) and I felt guilty about that. Not going to all my church meetings and extra curricular church meetings was also guilt inducing. You wanna know something. The special meetings like the Stake Priesthood meeting held twice a year were boring and repetetive (and a half hour drive away!). Imagine a large chapel with a couple thousand men in ugly ties and boring haircuts crowded into church pews singing a few hymns and listening to stake leaders rattle on about how we weren't doing enough to help our families, we weren't being righteous enough or doing enough to become closer to God. We weren't doing enough missionary work (a common subject in the church), or doing enough to magnify our Priesthood. (Every "righteous" adult male over 12 holds the Priesthood, the authority to act for God). Actually the Priesthood was just another way to make you conform to the rules because if you weren't doing everything you should you were not magnifying your Priesthood. Everything was an admonishment often slyly hidden in pseudo praise and encouragement. It was actually mindless rabble. In one of my earlier posts I related how in February of this year we had a special multi stake conference. It was by satellite broadcast from Brampton. The whole meeting was taken up with the business of changing stake boundaries in Southern Ontario, and the calling of new leaders to stake positions. I look back on that day and think, I wasted my Sunday morning that I could have spent with my family, listening to who was the new Stake President in whatever Stake. Who really cares? I certainly didn't. This had gone on for 2 hours!. There was a bit of hymn singing in between but wow, I'm glad I didn't bring any invesigators to that meeting! They would have been bored to tears. But I would have felt guilty if I hadn't gone. I thankfully didn't drag my wife and son along that day. They were smart enough to stay home. (They probably felt guilty, well my wife, anyway) There are many other things I felt guilty about over the years, it was a daily occurence. Guilt was a part of my life. Constant admonishment that you were not good enough for the Lord, you always needed to do better. 18 years of that can really drag you down. But now, I no longer feel guilty about those things and it feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Well, its Sunday morning at 8 am. I have to get ready for church now. Oh wait, I no longer go to church. Guilt gone... Take care, J.T.

What I'm doing today...

I'm sitting here writing this at the computer and I'm...drinking a beer. **gasp** Coors light. Woo hoo!. I know I'm such a rebel. It felt so good walking into the LCBO and buying a six pack of beer. It's been so long. I still remembered where they kept the beer, though. I'm not much of a wine or hard liquor person, I like my beer, especially on a hot day (which today isn't). Anyway you're probably saying "beer? So what?". The "so what" is that alcohol is forbidden in the LDS church and I haven't had one for probably 7 or 8 years--the last time I went inactive from the LDS church. I've been drinking coffee for a couple of weeks now as well. **gasp** "Coffee? So what?" Well coffee is forbidden too in the LDS church. Every time I take a sip of coffee or a swig of beer I feel a little more distance between me and the "LDS" cult church. The sooner I distance myself completely from the church, the happier I will be. Oh and if anyone cares I went to buy underwear yesterday at Walmart. "So what?" you might ask. "Why are you telling me this?". Well to all "good" Mormons who go to the temple, you have to wear special underwear (google "mormon underwear" and you can see for yourself what they look like and yes, they are as ugly and uncomfortable as they look--and they're really uncomfortablly hot in the summertime). I threw out my "special underwear" in the garbage yesterday and am relaxing in my black Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs! Life is good. Take care, J.T.

The Future...

Like I stated in my last post, the LDS experience has left me questioning the whole facet of organized religion. In the past, I scoffed at people who had this view saying they just didn't have the spirit or weren't "enlightened" enough because I thought I was so damned enlightened. I thought I had this superior knowledge above what the average person had. I had the gospel of Jesus Christ and the "truth". I would've shared with you my profound knowledge if you had asked me and you could then be admitted into this special "LDS club". Then you would feel that you now had this superior knowledge. To have been deceived, manipulated, defrauded, and lied to in such a spectacular fashion and on such a large scale has left a very bad taste in my mouth towards religion in general. Do I believe in God? I think so. That may sound like a juvenile or a vague answer, but I really and truly don't know right now. I think there may be a supreme creator but he sure isn't anything like what I've been taught he was like in the LDS church. If there is a God I don't blame him for the mess I got into. That's all my fault. Does he guide my life? Not sure. I don't feel that he does very often if he does at all. Is he a kind and loving God? Don't know that either. There's an awful lot of pain and suffering in the world. Would there be even more if he didn't intevene in at least some of it? I don't really know. Can he intervene? Don't know that either. Does he love me? Not even sure about that. Does he answer prayers? I'm sure he does--sometimes. There are a lot of beautiful things in the world as well. Would there still be beautiful things without a God. I don't know. To say I will never go to church or fully believe in God is a bit premature. I'm still recovering from the LDS Experience and likely will be recovering for a long time, so I can't make any of those kinds of decisions right now. We'll see in another year or so. I've grown up with a belief that there is a God. So that's 47 years with this opinion. I won't abandon it so easily. Take care, J.T.