Guilt

Today's topic is guilt. It's amazing once you remove yourself from a situation and look back on how you felt, how clear everything seems. Guilt was a major part of my life for many years. Being a member of the LDS faith gave me ample opportunity to feel guilt, often multiple times on a daily basis. Whenever I picked up a book to read in my leisure time, I would feel a little guilty that I should be reading scriptures instead. If there was profanity in the book I was reading, I would feel a twinge of guilt and if there was a fair bit of profanity I would put down the book. This was what we were counselled to do in the church. (As you could imagine it was hard to find "appropriate" books to read,many of todays books are littered with profanity). Same with movies. If a movie had a rating above PG-13 I would avoid watching it. Even some PG and PG-13 movies have a fair bit of profanity in them. If a movie had 14A or R I would not watch it. Cable TV shows as well. I would cringe every time there was a swear word on the TV and sometimes would have to leave the room if there was enough of it to make me feel uncomfortable. I shudder to think of how manipulated I was and conditioned to act a certain way. The guilt I would feel would be overwhelming sometimes. Oh, but there were some other things to feel guilty about. Not wanting to go to church on Sunday morning. Sometimes I would go just to banish the guilt. Then, after coming home from church and not knowing what to do, feeling guilty at putting on the TV or reading non church books and magazines. Going shopping on Sunday was a biggie. We weren't supposed to shop on the Sabbath, it was the Lord's day. But some times it was unavoidable. About a month ago I went grocery shopping on a Sunday morning with my wife as we had been too busy on the Saturday. I saw another member of the ward (with a fairly high calling in the ward) doing his shopping as well. No doubt he felt "guilty" at what he was doing as well. We had a hard time holding Family Home Evening (one night a week your family spends together playing games and having treats--oh and with a lesson on a church topic thrown in for good measure). I felt guilty about that we didn't have FHE every week. We tried a few times but it always felt silly. We spent time together as a family lots of other times during the week. It just didn't feel right to have a forced time set aside for it. But it was "inspired" counsel so we "should" do it. We were counselled to read scriptures every day, especially from the Book of Mormon. Some days I just didn't feel like it (maybe because the book was hogwash and I didn't feel the spirit when I read it like I should have--another thing to feel guilty about). Prayer was another hard one for me. I never got in the habit in the 18 years of being a member of praying daily. I had prayed, of course many times but it never was a daily habit. It was more like a chore. I didn't feel that my prayers were answered(that's a whole other topic) and I felt guilty about that. Not going to all my church meetings and extra curricular church meetings was also guilt inducing. You wanna know something. The special meetings like the Stake Priesthood meeting held twice a year were boring and repetetive (and a half hour drive away!). Imagine a large chapel with a couple thousand men in ugly ties and boring haircuts crowded into church pews singing a few hymns and listening to stake leaders rattle on about how we weren't doing enough to help our families, we weren't being righteous enough or doing enough to become closer to God. We weren't doing enough missionary work (a common subject in the church), or doing enough to magnify our Priesthood. (Every "righteous" adult male over 12 holds the Priesthood, the authority to act for God). Actually the Priesthood was just another way to make you conform to the rules because if you weren't doing everything you should you were not magnifying your Priesthood. Everything was an admonishment often slyly hidden in pseudo praise and encouragement. It was actually mindless rabble. In one of my earlier posts I related how in February of this year we had a special multi stake conference. It was by satellite broadcast from Brampton. The whole meeting was taken up with the business of changing stake boundaries in Southern Ontario, and the calling of new leaders to stake positions. I look back on that day and think, I wasted my Sunday morning that I could have spent with my family, listening to who was the new Stake President in whatever Stake. Who really cares? I certainly didn't. This had gone on for 2 hours!. There was a bit of hymn singing in between but wow, I'm glad I didn't bring any invesigators to that meeting! They would have been bored to tears. But I would have felt guilty if I hadn't gone. I thankfully didn't drag my wife and son along that day. They were smart enough to stay home. (They probably felt guilty, well my wife, anyway) There are many other things I felt guilty about over the years, it was a daily occurence. Guilt was a part of my life. Constant admonishment that you were not good enough for the Lord, you always needed to do better. 18 years of that can really drag you down. But now, I no longer feel guilty about those things and it feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Well, its Sunday morning at 8 am. I have to get ready for church now. Oh wait, I no longer go to church. Guilt gone... Take care, J.T.