Why I Left

I am free. After almost 19 years I am no longer a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I got my official letter from church headquarters in Salt Lake City a few weeks ago. This realization comes with mixed emotions. On one hand I am happy that I am no longer a member of the church, but I'm also sad as I have a lot of fond memories of the church and its members, and have had many wonderful experiences over the last 19 years. I think the church has changed my life. How can it not when I was was so wrapped up in it for so many years. And when I say "wrapped up" in it, I was completely entrenched. Totally immersed. In the doctrine and in the mindset of the religion. I "towed the party line" for many years. How I was able to break free is a miracle in itself. But in the end it was the church's own flawed logic that led me to leave it. Basically, though, it is a cult. I am positive of that now. Every day I am more and more convinced of that. Looking back over my church life there were so many clues that are clear in hindsight that the church is a cult. Now, I'm no expert on cults, and I'm not qualified to argue the point, but there are certain characteristics of the church that led me to believe it is a cult. Probably the biggest thing for me was the church's insistence on conformity and it manipulation of members to get a desired result. They were ever so subtle but we were made to feel guilty when we weren't doing all we were supposed to do. And it was a lot of things we were supposed to do. As well, we were always reminded how important tithing was. The problem with tithing was that it was practically manditory if you wanted to get anywhere in the church. By "get anywhere" I mean that we were to continually "progress in the gospel", meaning that we were always striving to do better. Now, that in itself is not a bad thing, it's good if we're improving our lives, but in the church we were obsessive about it. We were made to feel guilty if we slipped up and committed a small sin. We were commanded to be perfect. Looking back, the church's obsessive focus on the temple always mystified me. I had been to the temple many times but frankly didn't get much out of it except it was a lot of information to take in and was a little confusing. We were told that the temple was very important to our eternal progression and we had to go back time and time again. It was to become less and less confusing the more you went. Of course, to be worthy to go to the temple you had to pay tithing, or a tenth of your total income to the church. Among other things, of course and I admit I wasn't a faithful tithe payer while in the church, but I was faithful enough at the right time to get a temple recommend. Paying tithing was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It never brought the promised blessings but I did it, not all the time but I did it. And it was a sacrifice. Back in 1993 when I joined the church I was a different person. I was single and almost 30. I had a low paying job and no prospects of a better one. I was just going to continue on the way I was. I was very unimportant in the eyes of the world or so I felt at the time. But then on November 24, 1993, two missionaries from the church came over to my apartment and started teaching me the (supposed) gospel. My eyes were opened. What they were teaching made sense. What they were teaching was what I needed or thought I needed to hear at the time. It all sounded very logical. It's just too bad it took me almost 19 years to realize what they were teaching was based on a lie. On many lies. On many many lies. The whole foundation of the church is based on lies and deceptions. But back in 1993 I had no idea that this was the case. The church made me feel important. That I mattered. It gave me self confidence. I was standing up in front of people giving talks, I was participating in meetings and giving input. I was learning a lot about the church and felt part of a community. I felt good. I felt special. I was part of something wonderful and big. And important. My self esteem skyrocketed. I had never felt like this before in my whole life. I went along like this for a few years. I went to the temple for my own endowment on July 4, 1995, a year and a half into the church. (I would have gone sooner, but I wasn't a full tithe payer and had to wait until I was--as mentioned above--before I could receive the Melchizedek Priesthood). I started to wear the garments and now I felt even more special and important. I was an "elder" in the Mormon church. I was a Priesthood holder. I could bless people. I could hold important callings in the ward. I served in Primary for a year, was an assistant scout leader for a bit and secretary in Young Men's and then in the Elder's Quorum. I was everntually called as Second Counsellor in the EQ presidency, then first counsellor under a new EQ President. I was on my way. It was around this time that I met my wife. She was a member in another ward in our stake. We were married 8 months after we met (I was 32 she was in her early 20's) and sealed in the Toronto Temple. This was August 1997. We were both active in the ward and continued to hold callings and attend church regularly. I lost my job soon after we were married, but it was not a good job(as noted above) so I wasn't that disappointed. I went back to school for 10 months and got a diploma in computers and accounting (missed graduating top of my class by half a percentage point, but I digress...). We decided to move to another city after I graduated (as my job no longer held me to this city) so we moved back to where my wife's parents lived(and where she had lived and had been a member of the ward). To make a long story short, it was a great move for us, but bad for my church life. Even though I remained a member twice as long in this new ward as I had been in my first ward (13 years in the new ward compared to 5 1/2 in my original ward) I never felt as accepted and as a part of this new ward. But I tried. Very hard to make it work. To feel connected to the other members. Sure we made friends and knew a lot of people and a lot of people liked us, but there was always a disconnect. It's like if we didn't go to church for a few weeks no one really noticed. This bothered me a lot at the time and still does, but what could I do. We would attend ward functions but it was like we were part of the woodwork. Non member family would remark about this coldness of the ward members and the cliquishness (is that a word?) they seemed to have when attending church functions with us (blessing of my son in 2002, his baptism 8 years later in 2010). I brushed it off as just the specific combination of people in the ward, who looked inward instead of outward. We did go inactive for a few years in that 13 year span. From early 2004 to late 2006 we were less active. No one from the church really bothered us during the first few years. No home teachers called. The bishop never called (well, he did once at the beginning but gave up on us too quickly, in my opinion). During this time we attended another church (United Church) and I joined the choir. It was nice and I enjoyed singing in the choir, but it felt empty. The people were nice and we liked the minister, but there was no meat. We were so used to having doctrine rammed down our throats and being busy with callings, that this felt like we were on a spiritual diet. We only attended about a year then stopped going. Like with everything new, the novelty wore off. In 2006 a new EQ president was called in the ward as the ward had recently split into 2 wards. He had recently moved into the ward with his family. He didn't know us or our history. He decided he would become our new home teacher and started visiting us. He didn't push the church on us, just came by to see how we were doing. Something stirred in me then. I realized how much I missed the church. Here was someone who seemed to care about us. I wanted to go back to church. I had gone through my rebellious period and it was out of my system. But could I go back after everything that had happened in the past? The reason we stopped going before was we felt we were lost in the shuffle. But now the ward had split and it was half the size it was before. Maybe we wouldn't be hidden anymore. Finally, we asked if the missionaries could come and visit us. It took about 3 weeks for them to come and I was having second thoughts, but the missionaries were wonderful. Those old feelings returned and I started going back, in November 2006. It was hard at first but became easier over time. The new EQ president called me as an EQ instructor in March 2007. I thought this was great as it would help me regain a lot of the knowledge that I lost in my less active years. And it did. I slowly started to do the ward activities. In 2010 my son turned 8 and decided to be baptized. We were happy that he wanted to be baptized and met with the bishop to get the ball rolling. I baptized him on March 14, 2010. My wife and I got our temple recommends back in August 2010. It looked like we were on the road to full activity and participation in the ward. But after a (long) while I realized nothing had really changed. I tried so hard to make it work. I was called as assistant ward clerk in early 2011. This was the calling I had when I went inactive 7 years previously. I questioned for an instant the wisdom of this calling, but chalked it up to "it was where the Lord needed me to be". I didnt' do very much in the calling, just take notes in meetings occasionally. It wasn't too demanding and I was still teaching in EQ twice a month. I sat down with my bishop in late 2011 to talk about how I was doing. I told him I was tired of being wishy-washy in regards to the gospel and was ready for a new challenge, He and I agreed that I needed something to kick start me and move to this new level in the church. What I thought at the time was a wonderful idea, ultimately proved to be my final downfall. I was called as Ward Executive Secretary in January 2012. I was happy about this calling as I felt like I had finally arrived. This was probably one of the most important callings I'd had in the ward and was confident I could magnify it and I could prove to everyone that I was in this for the long haul. But it wasn't. By March I was having serious doubts about the church. I don't know where they came from but I remember sitting in Bishopric Meeting, taking notes one Sunday and having the overwhelming feeling that I did not want to be there. I don't know what it was, I just felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. I left after the meeting (it was held in the morning before Sacrament) and went home. I just had to leave. I never went back. By April I had to do something. I couldn't go on like this. I prayed that Heavenly Father would tell me what to do. Should I go back to church? No answer. No prodding that I should go back, it was where I needed to be. I was mystified. Surely the right answer was to go back. But I felt nothing. I never did go back. It wasn't anyone's fault and I don't blame anyone but myself, but the past 6 months have been a very emotional time for me with regards to the LDS church. I came to the conclusion that the church was not true, that it was not the church that Jesus Christ had set up when he was on the earth, restored in the latter days as the LDS church claims. I learned the true nature of Joseph Smith and realized that Book Of Mormon was a fraud. I had to leave the church. I could no longer be a member of a church that lied to it's members and deceived them. Now, after months of reflection and thought, listed below are the main reasons I left the church. 1. Joseph Smith was most certainly not a prophet of God. He did not see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the sacred grove near Palmyra, New York as is claimed in the official church history. I was taught that he did see HF and JC but in reality he didn't even write about the First Vision until well after the church was established. There are also multiple versions of his story. So, why wouldn't he write about such a fantastical event? He was told by HF in this "vision" not to join any of the churches of the day as they were "all wrong". There is evidence that he joined the Methodist Church in 1828. Now, if God tells you in person not to join any other church, would you? Joseph Smith apparently changed the details of the First Vision over the years. In one version he saw angels, then a combination of HF and JC. And another thing about Joseph Smith. Why did so many people hate him in those early days. I could see some people, namely ministers of other churches getting their hackles up about this new "religion" that may have been stealing members from their ranks, but he was hated and reviled. The church puts the explanation on the fact that all of God's servants are persecuted. Look what happened to Jesus Christ when he was alive. He was hated and persecuted. But that was 2000 years ago. I don't think you can compare Joseph Smith to Jesus Christ. Here's what I think: Joseph Smith was a sly con man. He had charisma for sure, he could talk to people and convince them he was a prophet. He had many people under his influence and was a very good maniuplator. He was also a polygamist. There is evidence he married around 33 women in his lifetime, one as young as 14. He married women who were married to other men concurrently. This is called polyandry. I was not aware of this. The church manuals do not teach this. Polygamy existed in the church but not until the 1840's. There is evidence Joseph Smith married other women besides his first wife Emma, as early as 1834. He was convicted in the mid 1820's of "money digging" which meant he would charge people money then tell them where treasure was hidden. He would look into a hat with a stone and "see" where this treasure was hidden. He lied about the translation of the B of M. In the church manuals it states he sat on one side of the table with the gold plates and would dictate through a curtain to his scribe, but actually he would sit on a chair with his head in a hat with a stone inside and "see" the writings thru the stone (as in his money digging scheme) and would dictate them to his scribe. Now,to the Book Of Abraham. I never paid much attention to the Book Of Abraham in the Pearl Of Great Price, but now I come to find out that Joseph Smith's translation is totally false. The B of A was not the writings of Abraham but some funeral documents from Ancient Egypt. He totally made up the writings, just like the B of M. Just more evidence that he was a con man and not a "prophet". There are many other stories about Joseph Smith, but suffice it to say he was a con man who has purpetrated one of the biggest hoaxes in history. Which leads to #2 on my list: The book of Mormon is not holy scripture but a made up story. I always had my doubts about the book, though I would never acknowledge these doubts. The story of the lost 116 manuscript pages never made sense to me. Neither did the events in the book related to the societies that were written about and how quickly they grew and how quickly they changed from righteous to unrighteous. Add the fact that there is absolutely NO archaeological evidence of the B of M civilizations on the American Continent. Surely civilizations as large as the B of M claim would leave behind some evidence. But there is nothing. Also there are translation errors that have been discovered in the bible that are still there in the B of M. There are many beautiful passages in the BofM, but they are fiction. The whole book is a product of 19th century fiction. 3.The lack of evidence that today's prophet is actually a prophet.This always mystified me as well. Why does the current president of the church not give revelation about important things? Surely there are things in the world today that we need warning about, but we get vague speeches about generalizations (stay out of debt, get an education) these things are common sense, I think. Why didn't President Hinckley in the mid 80's realize that a forger and con man were conning the church over forged documents. Surely the "prophet" would discern a con man? And if the Word of Wisdom is so inspired, why didn't it include instructions to boil water in the early days of the church in Nauvoo when many people were dying of infection. Why doesn't the WofW have any warnings about high sugar content in food. Certainly this is more damaging to people's health today than "coffee, tea and alcohol". These are the 3 main reasons I left the church. Basically I was lied to about its early history. Joseph Smith was not a prophet but a con man and the Book Of Mormon is a made up fairy tale. In my opinion, if these 2 things are false then the church is false. And that's all I have to say for now...

Exit Date Confirmation

Great news! Got an email last night from the bishop of our ward. He confirmed that our names will be off the church records before August 18. I'm very happy about this development. Finally I can put the church behind me and move on with my life. I was reading on the PostMormon site comments that other Post-Mo's had made and one person related how they were embarrased by having been a member. They were embarrased that their families and friends knew they were a member and that they had been gullible to believe in the church. That's how I feel. I'm embarrased that I was a member of the LDS church and that I was so gullible for so many years. One thing I'm thankful for is that I didn't bring anyone else into the church. (Well, except my son). I tried with some friends years ago but they weren't interested. I was mystified by this at the time but now I realize that some people can see through the facade right away. Others like me were sucked into it and before long the hooks were in me and it was hard to shake myself loose. It took over 18 years for the hook to become loosened. But thankfully it did and I only wasted 18 years instead of 50 years or more of my life believing a set of lies and false doctrine. Now I can move on. The end is in sight... take care, J.T.

Playing The Waiting Game

So we're just waiting to get confirmation that our names have been removed from the membership records of the LDS church. I had a feeling it wouldn't be a quick process. And really there is no rush. I am no longer a member in spirit and haven't been for weeks now. I'm not going to be impatient about it either, there's no use in getting stressed about it. It will happen when it happens and then I can finally put the LDS church behind me and move on. I don't really know what will happen in the near future. I'm not in a hurry to join another church. I'm going to enjoy my Sunday's off for a while. Maybe someday I'll feel the need or have the desire to look into attending another church, but in reality I don't really think I will ever want to commit to another church or religion again. I may have mentioned this before but my experience with the LDS church has completely destroyed my concept of God and the role of religion in my life. The LDS teachings were so ingrained into me and were a part of my life for so long, that to find out that they are not true or accurate, has left me destitute of any concept of what is "right" or "wrong" as it pertains to God and religion and our purpose here on Earth. (I still know what is "right" or "wrong" as it pertains to the law or morality).I know that in time I will "get over" the church and it might be a long time or it might be only a few weeks, I don't know. But once I get confirmation that I am no longer a member of the LDS church it will be one step closer to getting its influence out of my life once and for all.Take care,J.T.

Response From Salt Lake

We received a letter from church headquarters in Salt Lake yesterday (25 June) in response to our request to have our names removed from the membership of the church. They basically said they couldn't process our request without the input of local leaders, the stake president and ward bishop. I was kind of expecting this response. The same time I was reading this letter I received an email from the bishop stating that he had received our letter and basically wanted to get together to discuss it. He was under the impression that we were just disgruntled with the ward and were going to attend somewhere else. I will admit that this was what I had originally intended to do. But after investigation into claims that the church is not what it claims to be (the true church of Jesus Christ) I no longer wished to be a member. My family quickly agreed that we wanted our names removed from the membership records. Frankly I think the bishop was shocked by our request. I don't really blame him, though. I would be shocked too. He mentioned that he would honour our request but he felt it was in our best interest to reconsider. But I've come to the conclusion that the fact that when I saw an exit (leaving the church) and was so quick to choose the exit, that I really didn't need the church anymore. I always thought when I was younger that the church was the greatest thing that ever happened to me (next to my wife and son). It certainly changed my life in a lot of positive ways and looking back I don't really regret joining. For that time in my life (late 20's) it was what I needed. But I don't need it anymore. I no longer believe it is the true church of Jesus Christ. I don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet and I don't believe there is a prophet today. We don't really need a prophet today. I also believe now that the Book of Mormon is a fabricated story written by a very clever man in the 19th century. A very clever man who deceived a lot of people. But the church deceives a lot of people today. They keep truth from its members and the church is based on false principles. That being said, it is not all bad. There are many members who are good people who will continue to be good people and be good influences on others and show Christlike love to those around them. I don't want to destroy anyone's testimony. I just wish the church was more truthful to it's members. More forthcoming with the knowledge of it's early history. They need to know the whole truth, not the whitewashed version that the church publishes today. But the church leadership's fear is that if they give the members the full truth that many would leave the church, just like my family is doing. Again I can't really blame them, but what they are doing is wrong and I can no longer be a part of an organization that is not truthful to its members. I still feel betrayed and lied to. I cannot and will not ever fully get over that. My time in the church is done. I'm waiting for the bishop to respond to my email stating that we don't want to discuss anything further, that it would not be productive. We are leaving the church because we no longer believe it is true and that should be reason enough for us to have our names removed. Take care, J.T.

Resignation Letter Sent

Well, another milestone in our journey to leave the LDS church. We sent in our resignation letter, mailed it last night. So, now the ball is rolling. Salt Lake will receive it and notify local leaders of our decision and then to remove our names from the records. I just hope this journey will be a smooth one, but somehow I don't think it will be. I've read that the church will send a pamphlet begging us to "come back, it's not too late to change your mind". But my mind has been made up. I am so done with the church, I just want our names off the record and for this whole sordid journey to be over and this chapter of my life closed for good. take care, J.T.

Moving On

I think I'm done ranting about the church. I am so past it now. I have no desire to ever return to the LDS church. I have my resignation letter and just have to get a US stamp and send it off. Once my family and I are taken off the church records I will feel a little lot better. A end of an era, a chapter on my life closed. Once it happens I can move on. Almost every day there is something I remember that I used to feel guilty about doing. Yesterday it was Sunday shopping. My family and I were camping this weekend and got home yesterday. We had to go grocery shopping for the coming week and I was thinking about before when I was going to church I would feel bad about grocery shopping on Sunday. Didn't bother me at all yesterday. Not one bit. I also had to do our laundry at a laundromat, as we didn't have change for the machines in our building. I would have felt guilty about that too. Instead, I came home from shopping and laundry and had a nice cold refreshing beer. No guilt. I'm moving on... Take care, J.T.

Once Bitten Twice Shy

The title of this blog is exactly how I feel about organized religion. I've been bitten--badly by the LDS church and it will be a while before I set foot in another church if ever in my lifetime. How can I trust what they're saying? I trusted my LDS church and its leaders for 18 years, trusted their judgment and counsel. I listened to the prophet of the church as he expounded on missionary work and temple work. Took counsel from ancient and modern scriptures that forbad the consumption of alcohol and tea and coffee. I listened when my leaders told me not to watch R rated movies. To avoid anything with the appearance of evil. To pay tithing because it would bring blessings. Read my scriptures and feel the spirit of the Lord in my life. It's really sad. I grew up going to church as a child, but my parents stopped going because of a silly disagreement over money and once we moved to a new city, we never went to a church. I had no desire to go to church. I found it boring and--well boring. Then a miraculous thing happened in 1993. I was 28 years old and living on my own. A family member sent the LDS missionaries to my apartment. They had a wonderful message. The church that Jesus started when he was on the Earth in New Testament times had been restored. What? I didn't know it needed to be. Well it did, and I was taken in quite nicely by it all. It was a wonderful story. A young 14 year old boy prayed and got the answer of a lifetime. He saw God and Jesus Christ. Unbelievable, right? Maybe, I thought, but possible. Within days I believed the missionaries story and had committed to baptism. Sunday December 12, 1993 my life changed. I was baptized a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was a new person. I quickly moved up in the ranks of the ward, eventually serving as first counsellor in the Elders Quorum Presidency and being sealed to my wife in the Toronto Temple in August 1997. And now it's come to this. Almost 19 years after becoming a member I'm about to send in my resignation letter to Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City. I am already no longer a member in my mind and spirit. It just needs to be done on paper. When I think about it sometimes I fell ill. Not that I've made a mistake in leaving but that I made a mistake in joining. So many wonderful memories over the years--blessing my newborn son, baptizing him when he turned 8, serving in callings and getting to know the people in my ward--all based on a lie and deception. Nothing I did really mattered. I had no authority to bless or baptize my son. I had no authority to preside in my callings. I didn't have the Priesthood. I really had nothing. So I'm leaving with nothing. The hardest part to fathom is that the general authorities in Salt Lake must certainly be in on the lie. They are not prophets as they claim. I see no evidence of this. Surely they know they are deceiving millions of members but they can't go back. They must keep up the lie. That's their most important mandate, to make the church look good in the public eye, to avoid a controversy. They need the millions of $$$ to continue to roll in to finance their business ventures. You know that if they took the $$$ that they spend on 1 temple to be built they could spend it on feeding an African village for a year or more. The church doesn't need more temples, they need to act more Christian and help more aggressively in the poorer parts of the world. OK, I've ranted enough. Suffice it to say I'm done with organized religion for the forseeable future. I'm going to enjoy my Sunday mornings--at home. Once bitten twice shy. I've been bitten and I'll be very shy about going into the shark infested waters of religion for quite a while. Take care, J.T.