Slowly Going Downhill

Once things started to go downhill in 2010-2011 I was bound and determined that I wasn't going to go inactive again. I made a promise to myself that I would stick with it this time. My wife didn't really want to continue to go but she did occasionally if only to support me. Finally in 2011 I got another calling, one that I had before (the one I had when I went inactive in 2004) and that was Assistant Ward Clerk. I was happy to finally get a "real" calling. Maybe now I would fit in better with the ward members. But the Ward Clerk did all the work and there was nothing for me to really do. I'm not one to hang around waiting for work to be given me to do. If you want me to do something you have to tell me. I did ask the clerk if there was anything I could do but he said just filing if I had the time. I struggled with going to church. I believed in the church, that it was the true church. I believed in Joseph Smith, that he was a prophet. I read scriptures--not every day but I tried to read them as much as I could. I avoided alcohol and coffee/tea. I tried to pray, but it never became consistent. I felt my family slipping away from the church. My son didn't want to go to church. I thought something was wrong in his class but he wouldn't tell me (I later found out he was being bullied by his classmates). My wife worked every other Sunday, and on her Sunday off didn't really want to go to church--she wanted to rest. Hell, I wanted to rest too! Sunday was my only real day off--Saturday was always filled with shopping and chores. But I continued to go. I taught in Elders Quorum twice a month and did a sacrament talk a couple times a year. But I was drifting further and further away--slowly each week--each month. In January 2012 I had a talk with my bishop about my feeling "wishy washy" about the gospel. It was time to stop this nonsense, I said, and take it seriously. He gave me another calling--Ward Executive Secretary. I thought I had finally "made it". This was a big deal. I would be interracting with the Bishopric, sitting in on meetings and all the calling entailed. The Bishop gave me some assignments to set up appointments with members for temple recommend interviews and just interviews in general. I hate talking on the phone to people. I dreaded having to do this. I kept putting it off, worried that bishop would call me and ask when was I going to make these appointments. I was terrified to go to church or he would confront me about my lack of progress in this assignment. I couldn't sleep for a week I was worried about this assignment. I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. The guilt at not doing my calling. The guilt at not going to the temple enough. Not doing home teaching(which I despised and thought was a flippin' waste of time, but thought I should do it because my Priesthood leaders told me I should do it). Guilty at dragging my family to church when all they wanted to do was rest on Sunday. Guilty at not doing the Lord's work on Sunday. Guilty at not sharing the gospel with friends like we were told to do over and over week after week. Guilty when I read a book with a swear word in it or watched a movie with a swear word in it. Guilty at not preparing for my lessons well enough. Some weeks the lesson would be OK, other times it was agony getting through the half hour lesson in EQ. I always strugged with tithing. I would pay it enough to get a temple recommend then would stop a few months later. It was just so hard to do. My wife and I started paying it at the beginning of 2012 again. We figured we needed the blessings. A week after we payed tithing we had a problem with our car and had to shell out $600. (which we didn't really have). OK, pay tithing, should have blessings--reality: no blessing just a car repair bill. The kicker was that the bill was for the car alarm. After paying the $$$, the alarm still had a problem so we took it back to the car dealership and they ended up disconnecting it, so the $600 was for nothing!!! Some blessing that was! We continued to pay tithing, thinking it was a test of our faith(sound familiar?). But the truth was we were just getting deeper and deeper in the hole. Like I said above, I snapped then. I was sitting in a Sunday morning Bishopric meeting and I felt more and more uneasy and suddenly I felt like I wanted to bolt. I didn't want to be there anymore. I left after that meeting ended and I've never been back. This was March 2012. The whole church thing was just too much to have to deal with. Arguing with my son on Sunday morning to get dressed for church. I prayed for help and it never came. Preparing for a talk, preparing my EQ lesson, worrying about my assigment. That was it. I had enough. I was done. But I held out hope that things would change. Should I stop going or should I buckle down and go back? Finally my wife confronted me and said I had to make a decision. Were we going to church, or not? This wishy washiness was driving us both nuts. I couldn't give an answer until the next day. I don't know what I was waiting for, a lightning bolt to say "GO BACK TO CHURCH". If heavenly father wanted me there he would show me the way. I waited and waited but this miraculous intervention never came. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. That was it. I was not going to church anymore. I had my answer. It was about 4 weeks before anyone contacted us. The bishop emailed and asked could we talk. I was long past reconciling. It was too late. It was over. In my mind I had made my decision. I emailed him back that no I did not want to talk, I was no longer attending church and please release me from my calling. The EQ president emailed a few days later. Could I teach on Sunday? (The Bishop didn't tell him about my email obviously). I told him that no I could not teach and was no longer attending church. "Oh, OK take care", was the response. Then in my investigations, I stumbled on a website, I don't remember which one now. All these contradictions in the Book of Mormon, no evidence of civilizations such as were described in the book. I kinda knew these things already but I didn't investigate further. The "real" Joseph Smith and how he was not like the offical church history portrayed him. I had heard stories but ignored them in the past. Members leaving the church in droves, I figured "oh they lost their testimony, they weren't strong enough, they were weak". It was their fault. They should have prayed more. Or read their scriptures or at least not peruse "anti-Mormon" websites. The incident in the 1980's over forged documents in SLC. Why didn't the prophet of the church receive revelation that the documents were forged? I had heard this story before but explained it away somehow. I noticed that church membership growth was slowing but the church claimed it was growing faster than ever. Some of the things that Brigham Young said and taught were just plain psychotic, but I ignored it. OK, so he was a nut but he was a "prophet" called of God. He was allowed to be a little eccentric. And what was the purpose of the temple endowment? What was I really learning there? It all seemed so silly and absurd but I thought God must have a purpose for it, but I couldn't see it. So many contradictions. Multiple versions of the First Vision. And why was the Nauvoo Expositor press destroyed by Joseph Smith just before his "martyrdom" in 1844? To prevent an expose on his "affair" with the wife of the press owner? His smuggling a gun into the Carthage jail and killing 2 people before being killed himself. His lying about polygamy for many years. The list goes on and on...and on... Let's face it, I was brainwashed. Pure and simple. Every time I was confronted with something odd or unusual, I would explain it away. After all the church was perfect even if the members were not. We weren't supposed to question anything, but just accept it as "inspired" counsel from our church leaders. Well now I've come to the realization that everything I've been taught about the church, about Joseph Smith, the history, the ordinances, the doctrine--everything is a load of crap. Every last bit of it. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel deceived and used. I wasted 18 years of my life in the LDS church. Years I could have been progressing in a Christian faith. Now I don't think I'll ever attend another church, ever. The LDS experience has ruined me for religion. Never say never, though. I believe there is hope and I may one day want to try attending a church. But this experience of the last 18 years has affected me so deeply that it will take years to recover. I'm just glad I didn't suck anyone else into this "religion". Now I know why they made member missionary work so prominent this year. The missionaries are running out of people to teach so we need to drag our family and friends into the church. Increasing numbers is what it's all about, don't you know? Oh and we had a special stake conference in February this year. The whole 2 hours was taken up with splitting stake boundaries and setting apart the new leaders. What a flippin' waste of time that was! Couldn't this have been done behind closed doors, not over satellite broadcast? I can't believe I went that week. Oh well, no more. There, I'm done ranting for now. I'll continue in my next post as to where I am now and what lies ahead. Take care, J.T.