Sudden Departure

Ok, I'm just going to say it. I've left the Mormon church after being a member for almost 19 years. I joined the church in December 1993 at the age of 28. I received my temple endowment in July 1995 and was sealed to my wife in the Toronto Ontario Temple in August 1997. The reason I left the church is simple. The Mormon Church is a fraud. It is not the true church of Jesus Christ restored to the earth. For 19 years I was brainwashed to believe that Joseph Smith was a 19th century prophet who restored Jesus Christ's New Testament Gospel to the Earth in these the Latter Days(hence the name of the cult church. I was led to believe that the Book Of Mormon was the word of God and that it was an additional testament(witness)of Jesus Christ. How did I come to this conclusion that the church is a fraud? It might seem that it was a sudden decision but really the seeds of rebellion have been nurtured for a while now. What finally "woke" me up to the fact that the church is a lie? I have been struggling for months, trying to find this "peace" that everyone in the church is talking about, but since I've been a member for so long the self talk has so ingrained in my brain that I had a hard time not believing what I came to think was the truth for so long. How could it not be true? I prayed about it like they tell you to do. To receive a witness for yourself that the church is true, that the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith is a prophet. It saddens me to think of all those Sunday mornings during Fast and Testimony meeting listening to 10 year old children get up in front of the congregation and say "I know the church is true, I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet and I know that we have a prophet today". Oh my! They do start the brainwashing early? It saddens me to think of all those missionaries out in the world, leaving their friends and family behind and going away for 2 years (at their own expense no less). What they are teaching is a lie. But over the years I've come to know quite a few of them and they aren't bad people. They really believe in what they are doing. So if you see them on the street caught in the rain you can give them a ride if you feel sorry for them. I had a crisis of faith in March of this year. I had just been called as the Ward Executive secretary in my ward here in Southern Ontario. I was excited for the new calling. I had finally "made" it. I was basically the Bishop's secretary. Quite prestigious, I thought. Now things will start to happen. I'll gain back my wavering testimony and start to become more active in the church, do my home teaching, go to the temple more often. None of this happened. I couldn't understand what I was feeling. Why did I feel so alone. Did God abandon me? Why wasn't he helping me? I put it to the test. I said to God. "OK, this is it?, I need to know one way or the other if I should continue on this path or what should I do?" No answer. I was even more confused... Until yesterday. I made a realization that no answer was an answer. God actually DID answer me by not answering "yes" to "Should I go back to church?" No, I shouldn't go back to the church. That was the answer. Because the church is not what it claims. It is most definitely NOT the Lord's church. I have come to this conclusion after many hours of contemplation and study. How could I have been so blind for so many years? How could I be duped in such a spectacular fashion? There were so many clues over the years but because I was a victim of brainwashing I simply ignored the clues. I will continue this discussion in my next posting. Take care, J.T.