I Just Can't Leave The Church Alone

I just can't do it. I've tried and tried over the last year and a half, but I just can't leave the church alone. I desperately want to, though. I'm no longer a member and don't live anywhere near Utah. None of my family is a member. I don't live near a chapel and none of my friends are members. But I find myself checking out the Postmormon site frequently. I don't know why I can't just leave it alone. It's like a drug. Why can I not just leave it alone? I think because it was such a big part of my life for so many years. I often wonder why I joined the church back in late 1993--yes 20 years ago. I think it was that it filled a void in my life. One I didn't know I needed filling. It gave me self confidence and made me feel important. But I don't need it anymore. It was all based on lies and deception. And that hurt me pretty badly, but you know what? I'm over that. It was my decision to join, no one was holding a gun to my head. But I can't blame myself anymore. It's over. But it won't be really out of my life for probably a few years. A few weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon, I went to the grocery store to get a few things for dinner. On the way home an old friend from the local ward stopped his car and he and his companion got out and started talking to me on the side of the road. I haven't seen this man since I left the church early last year. He said he saw me walking and wanted to see how I was. I said things were fine. But the whole time we were talking I felt slightly embarassed I had a shopping bag in my hand. I shouldn't feel like that. I'm not a member of the church anymore. Those "rules" don't apply to me anymore. There's nothing wrong with shopping on Sunday (a BIG Mormom no-no is Sunday Shopping). But I felt embarassed nonetheless. Those are the kinds of things that will take a while for me to get over. Take care, J.T.